The Father Who Wasn't
by sherryfan1
Summary: this is my 1st fanfic so please be nice...Eric has a whole other family that he walked out on. When his exwife dies and his son dies, his daughter is forced to move in with the father who walked out on her.
1. Tragedy

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the 7th Heaven characters. I do own Sarah and her brother and her mom and anyone else who isn't from 7th heaven1

Note: Simon, Ruthie and twins are not in this story and there are a few other characters added

Story written from Sarah's pov

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I don't remember much about my father other than some of the stories my brother would tell me. After my dad left my mom raised my brother and I on her own. She worked all the time so that we could have every thing we needed and almost every thing we wanted. Then that day changed everything. My mom had just dropped me off at my high school and was on her way to drop my brother off at work since we only had one car. They didn't make it a block from my school before the car was hit head on by a guy who fell asleep at the wheel. My mom died instantly, but my brother was hanging on. My mom's sister picked me up from school and carried me to the hospital. I sat by my brother's bedside all night.

When the sun came up the next morning, I awoke to a man in the room I had only seen in pictures, because I had blocked all memories of him from my mind years before. My dad, Eric Camden stood beside me.


	2. Letting go

What do you think? R&R

_Sarah's thoughts_

I looked up at him then turned back and looked at my brother. We sat there in silence for a long time then he finally spoke up," The doctor said that he is brain dead. I want to take him off life support." I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

_What right does he have to say I have to let you go? Why does he get to show up after all these years and tell me that you have to go, that I have to let you go? You're my brother. I'm not ready to let go. He can't make me let you go._

He tried to put his hand on my shoulder but I pulled away. He said," Say you're good-byes. It's time to let him go. He's not here anymore anyways. Let him go Sarah." I shook my head no," You can't make me let him go. You aren't his father; you aren't my father. I get to decide when to let him go. I'm his family. I'm his only family." He said," I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way. One day you'll understand this all. He's ready to rest, and I know you don't want to see him suffer."

_How do you know how I feel? You don't know me. Please don't leave me. You're all I have left. You have to wake up. It's just been us our whole life's we've always had each other. I need you now, so please, don't go._

The next day they turned the machines off. I knew it's what he really would have wanted but I didn't want to admit that to my dad. I didn't want him to know that he was right that my brother would never have wanted to live like this. At least my dad let me make one decision; he let me donate my brother's organs. At least something good would come out of all of this. At least someone else would have a normal life.


	3. home

Danielle is my character; she is Matt's twin sister.

We had a joint funeral for my mom and my brother. My dad flew out his wife and my brother and sisters. Seeing them brought back so many memories I had struggled my whole life to forget.

Flashback

_December 24, 1990: It had been a normal Christmas Eve, and our whole family had come to our house. Matt was 16, Danielle was 16, Mary was 15, Lucy was 14, my brother was 12 and I was 4. I went to bed early expecting to see presents under the tree and stockings filled up when I woke up. _

_That wasn't how it happened. I woke up in the middle of the night because I could hear my mother crying. I called out for someone and Mary came into my room and picked me up. She sat down in the rocker in my room. She hugged me tight and told me she would always love me. I was so confused. She kissed my forehead and sat me down in the rocker. Then, she turned and walked out of my room. I turned and looked out my window. I saw them all getting into the car. Then, the car backed out of the driveway and drove off into the darkness. I sat in the rocker all night staring out the window into the darkness waiting for the headlights to pull back into the driveway._

_I sat in that chair every night for almost a month waiting for my daddy to come home, but he never did and we had to move to a new house._

End of flashback

They brought back the memories I had tried to forget. They made me remember the years we had spent in he projects because my dad had left us without any way of supporting ourselves. We had learned though. My brother dropped out of school and got a GED before he joined the military. He had just gotten back from his second tour of the Middle East when the accident happened. He had been my protector as a child, my best friend. Now I had to figure out where I fit into a family that had never wanted me.

My dad drove me to our apartment so I could get my things. I could see the disgust in his face when we pulled into my neighborhood. There were beaten up cars on the sides of the road, people sleeping in boxes in the alley and street walkers on every other corner. I directed him up to the complex and walked up to the door I had lived behind for so many years. I slid the key in the lock and started to open the door. I said," You can wait in the car if you want. It won't take long." He said," It's okay; I'll wait for you inside." I opened the door and he followed me in. There was an old beat up couch we had gotten from the second hand shop and a crate for a table. We didn't have a TV. I walked back to the room I had shared with my mom. My things were in cardboard boxes on the side of the room where my mattress lay on the floor. We didn't have much, but the place was clean. I quickly gathered my things and slipped a few of my mom's and brother's belonging into my boxes and then began to carry my life out of the place that would always be my home.


	4. their home

_Sarah's thought's and talking to her mom and brother_.

**NOTE: Matt is married to Sarah Glass but Mary is not married to Carlos and she never got in all that trouble in high school. Lucy is married to Kevin and they live in the garage apartment.

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**

I sat in the back seat of the car in silence as we drove to the air port. We arranged to have my things shipped and then boarded the plane. I sat in seat by myself, the rest of my family sat in pairs in the seats in front of me; I looked out the window as tears slipped down my face. This place had been my home my entire life… This was where I had played in the dirt with my brother. It was where my brother told me never to ever let a boy kiss me, and that if any one ever tried to hurt me to tell him because he would always protect me.

_I miss you guys. I don't want to go, but dad is right, I can't stay in that apartment alone, but I could stay with Aunt Susan. She would let me if I ask. I know she would. I tried to ask her, but she said to let dad have another chance that people change. I don't know how she thinks he changed, he didn't want to come and get me until she told him he had too. I want to stay here. This is where you are buried, and this is my home._

I laid my head back against the rest and cried myself to sleep. I woke up as we were landing in Glen Oak. I sat up and looked out the window. There weren't any farms like there had been in my town.

This wasn't my home.

We got off the plane and walked out to get our baggage. I carried what little I had brought and walked out with them to the parking deck. We all loaded into the car and drove home. We drove for about thirty minutes before we pulled up in front of a large white house in an upscale neighborhood. I crawled out of the back seat after everyone else. When we walked into the house Annie said," You can have the attic room Mary and Lucy will show you where it is." I walked up two flights of stairs until I walked into what looked like a storage room. Mary said," Mom's gonna try and move some of this out this week so you'll have more room. There's a bed back in the corner and a lamp and desk. If you need anything just come find us." They turned and walked out and I walked behind the piles of boxes to find a bed. I sat down, fighting off tear, and let my mind wonder.

_Great…I live in the attic. Mary called Annie mom…she's not our mom. You are, and I will never call her mom so don't you worry. You'll always be my family._

I sat there on the bed without moving until my dad knocked on the door. He asked," Can I come in?" I looked away and said," It's you're house you can do whatever you want." He came in and sat down beside me. He said," This is your house too. I want you to feel welcome here. We are your family." I broke in," You were my family. You are not my family anymore. You walked out on us." He tried not to get upset," Well we are here now and I'm willing to listen whenever you are ready to talk. Matt wants to say bye to you before he goes back to school tomorrow morning." Then he got up and walked out of the room. I sat back on the bed and let the tears fall I had been trying so hard to keep inside. Someone else knocked on the door and walked in before I had answered. Matt sat down on the foot of the bed. He just looked at me without saying anything. Then he said," I'm sorry about your mom and brother." I couldn't take it anymore, why did they call them my mom and brother. I raised me voice and said," they were ours Matt. She was our mother, and he was our brother. We were a family until you guys walked out on us. We were your family!" He just looked at me trying not to cry, but I was well past being able to hold my tears inside. He sat there for a minute more before he said," I'm going back to New York tomorrow. I'm only a phone call away if you decide you want to talk to me. I'm going to try to come home next weekend with my wife so you can meet her. I'll see you then." He went to hug me but I pushed him away. As he walked out the door, my mind went back to my childhood.

* * *

_**Flashback**_

**_October 7, 1990: It was the day before my 4th birthday, Matt had come into my room that morning to wake me up. He had been the brother I was closest too when we were still a family. He helped me get ready then he took me out to the toy store to let me pick out my birthday present. I had gotten a board game, and we went home and he played with me all day. That night we had had my birthday party with the whole family. _**

_**End of flashback

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**_

That had been the last birthday they had been there for because they left that December. I never had a birthday party after that either. We tried to have a party for my fifth birthday because mom said it was a special birthday, but we just couldn't afford it. After that, I gave up. I stopped believing in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy ran out of money before I started to lose my teeth. My life hadn't been the best but it was like that saying my mom always told me. We might not have had everything we wanted, but we had it all as long as we had each other… so what about now. What do I have now that she's gone? I don't have it all anymore, and what I have I don't want anymore. When I was little, I used to dream of my dad, brother, sisters coming home, and moving back into our old house, I had prayed for it for eleven year, but some dreams die hard.


	5. Let me come home

**So how do you like it so far? Please R&R

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That night after every one had gone to sleep I slipped down the stairs to the kitchen and picked up the phone. I walked into the living room, sat down on the couch, and dialed back to my home town to my Aunt Susan's apartment. She answered the phone in a groggy voice," Hello." I said quietly," Aunt Susan it's me. Can we talk?" I heard her moving around on the other end then she said," Yeah, what's bothering you sweetie?" I said as tears broke up in my voice," I want to come stay with you." She said," Sarah you have to give them a chance. Just give it a little time. Please, for me just give your dad a chance." I said through silent sobs," I don't want to. I want to come home. Please, please, just let me come home. Aunt Susan I don't like it here." She kept talking to me trying to get me to calm down," What don't you like?" I said," My room is in the attic. The bed is shoved in the corner behind piles of boxes. They don't want me. And my mom isn't here." I broke down crying. I couldn't keep my sobs quiet anymore. I got up and walked out to the porch trying not to wake anyone up. She said quietly," She's not here anymore either sweetheart." I sat there for a minute before answering," But my memories of her are." We both sat on the phone in silence for a few minutes before she said," In the morning I'll call your dad and see if it'll be okay for me to come and see you for a few days, but you have got to try to work this out with your dad and your family. Promise me you'll try to work things out with them?" I didn't answer. She asked again," Promise me Sarah that you'll try?" I finally answered quietly," I'll try." She said," Good. Thank you. Good night my love." I said," Good night Aunt Susan."

I walked back inside. I thought I had been quiet, but when I walked in Annie was sitting at the island in the kitchen. She asked," Do you feel better now? I jumped. I put the phone on the charger and shook my head as I started to walk back upstairs. She said," Wait, can we talk please?" I turned around, but I didn't walk back out to her. She said," I know I'm not your mom and I'm not trying to replace her. I know she meant a lot to you, but can we try to get along?" I said," You stole my family from me. You knew he was married, and you knew he had kids, but you saw him anyway. You took away my family." She said," I know, I'm sorry." I said," That's not good enough! They were my family! They were mine, and you took them away." I stood there glaring at her. She said," I know they were, but they still are. Sarah they still love you, each and every one of them love you." Tears started down my face.

_Why am I crying in front of her? Why does she care about what I think? She didn't want me. When they left they left me behind. Why would she care now how I feel or who I love? They never wanted me. She never wanted me._

I said as I slipped up the stairs," Yeah, maybe they did, but they loved you more."


	6. the dance

**Song is Dance with my Father by: Luther Vandross

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**

I walked up to my room and climbed over the boxes to the corner where my bed was. I pulled the bag I had slid under my bed when I got here out from under the bed. I searched through my belonging until I found the small pink music box with the teddy bears on it in the bottom of the bag. I pulled out the box and slid the bag back under the bed.

I sat looking at the box before I slowly opened it. The music filled the air as the tiny ballerina spun around in front of the mirror.

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**Flashback**

**October 8, 1999: It was my 13th birthday. I wasn't expecting anything because I knew we didn't have the money for presents. Mom had been sick a lot and my brother was getting ready to ship out the first time ever. He came into my room that afternoon before he left for the airport. He wouldn't let me go with them because he didn't want me to remember him that way if anything ever happened. He said to remember the good times. He sat down on my bed and handed me a present wrapped in yellow construction paper, my favorite color, and said," Happy Birthday Sarah, You're all grown up now. Go ahead, open it." I pulled the paper off and found the most beautiful box underneath. I opened it up and the music started to play. I looked down and there was a locket inside the box. He took it out and put it around my neck. Then he opened it up to show me the pictures inside. It held a picture of me and him together and a picture for him and mom and I. Then we danced together to the music coming from the box. We had always danced together when I was little. He said he did it because dad always used to dance with me. I remember he had played a song for me when I was little when we danced.**

_**Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence**_

_**My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then**_

_**Spin me around 'til I fell asleep**_

_**Then up the stairs he would carry me**_

_**And I knew for sure I was loved**_

_**If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him**_

_**I'd play a song that would never, ever end**_

_**How I'd love, love, love**_

_**To dance with my father again**_

**My brother always told me that my dad loved me and that when I was little he used to dance with me too. But I didn't believe him. I think I didn't want to, because how could he love me and leave me.**

_**When I and my mother would disagree**_

_**To get my way, I would run from her to him**_

_**He'd make me laugh just to comfort me**_

_**Then finally make me do just what my mama said**_

_**Later that night when I was asleep**_

_**He left a dollar under my sheet**_

_**Never dreamed that he would be gone from me**_

_**If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him**_

_**I'd play a song that would never, ever end**_

_**'Cause I'd love, love, love**_

_**To dance with my father again**_

**When I was little some times I dreamed that I danced with him. I would turn on the radio and dance around my room pretending he was dancing with me. But I always danced alone, because my father wasn't there to dance with me.**

_**Sometimes I'd listen outside her door**_

_**And I'd hear how my mother cried for him**_

_**I pray for her even more than me**_

_**I pray for her even more than me**_

_**I know I'm praying for much too much**_

_**But could you send back the only man she loved**_

_**I know you don't do it usually**_

_**But dear Lord she's dying**_

_**To dance with my father again**_

_**Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream**_

**Mom would cry at night some times like she did the night I woke up and they were leaving. She didn't know why he didn't love us anymore, and neither did I.**

**End of flashback

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**

I prayed out loud," God, how can some one who preached about love and family and values every week walk out on his family and never think twice? Why did you let my dad walk out on me? Why did he walk out on us? Take care of my mom and brother okay? Let them know I'm okay and I'll never forget them."

I drifted off to sleep that night, but it wasn't a peaceful sleep. Nightmare ran through my dreams all night. I kept remembering the night they left. Then I dreamed of the crash that had changed my life, Aunt Susan's voice rang through my head," They're gone Sarah. I'm sorry." I bolted straight up and burst into tears. I curled my knees up to my chest and sat there the rest of the night holding my knees sobbing.


	7. breakthrough

**Thanks for your review anniefan hope this answers your questions:**

**Annie and Eric were having an affair and Eric left his 1st wife to be with Annie.**

**Matt's twin, Danielle, will appear in the story line very soon.**

**And your other questions will be answered in the story line very soon…I promise.

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**

When I saw the sun start to come up I crept from the attic down to the back porch. I sat down on the step and tried to forget everything that had happened in the last week, but My mind was running so fast I ended up lost in thought of my brother.

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**Flashback:**

**I was sitting on the floor in my brother's room waiting for him to come home from work. It had been almost three months since dad had left with our brother and sisters. I had a few questions to ask about why we were still here and I had learned better than to ask my mom. I didn't like it when she cried and every time I mentioned my dad, she would cry and say that it hurt too much to talk about.**

**When my brother walked into the room he greeted me with a hug and said," Hey, What do you need?" I said," Can I ask you some questions about dad?" He said," Always," and sat down beside me. I asked," Why did daddy leave us?" He said," Daddy fell in love with someone else and he decided he wanted to be with her more than he wanted to be with us." I asked," Why did he leave us?" He looked away from a minute like this was one question he didn't want to answer. I answered for him," I knew I was never daddy's favorite and that I was an accident, but why did he leave you?" He answered me as he hugged me," Because I told him I wouldn't leave. That someone had to take care of you two and if he wasn't going to do his job, I would do it for him. So I stayed here with you and mom so I could take care of you." I said," But you had to leave school." HE said," It's all worth it in the end. As long as we're together."**

**End of flashback

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**

My dad had never wanted me. They had never planned on having any more children. My arrival had put a strain on their marriage. Daddy left mom when he found out she was pregnant but came back because he missed everyone and said he would work it out… but then he met Annie and she gave him a reason to leave, an escape. Not to say I didn't have a good life. I didn't have everything my brother and sisters have but I had enough, and I was never short on love.

Lucy walks out of the Garage apartment and up to the back porch where I'm sitting alone. She sat down beside me and said," What are you doing out here alone?" I said," Thinking." She said," You know you can talk to me if you want. I'm always here for you." I said as I got up and walked back into the house," No you're not, my brother was though, and my mom." I walked back up to the attic and shut the door. I started moving the boxes myself. I stacked them up so the sort of made a wall that had a tiny place you could squeeze through in the far corner of the room, and about three feet of space between the wall, where the door was, and the boxes. My things must have gotten there some time while I was outside because they were stacked near my bed. I started to unpack my things and lay the out around the room. I threw the blanket that had been on the bed when I got there onto the floor to make it like a mat. I threw some pillows I had brought from home to make a little pillow corner. I sat the lamp from the night table on the floor over there and then pulled my lamp out of my box and sat it down beside my bed. For my fourteenth Birthday, my brother had gone with me to pick out fabric and ribbon and my mom had helped me make a comforter for my bed and a matching lamp and pillows. I made my bed up and turned the lamp on. I pulled out the last box and opened it. This was filled with what were now my most prized possessions. I pulled out the framed picture of my brother, mom and I and sat it down under the lamp. I sat down on the bed and pulled one of the pillows into my lap and laid over and cried. My life was so not was I was expecting. My mom and brother were gone and now I was living in a house with a dad who never wanted me, a step-mother who stole my family, and a brother and sisters who had left with my dad by choice." I just wanted things to be like they were. I wanted time to go back and the accident to never happen so everything would be the same. I would do anything just to make things they were. I didn't care that we didn't have fancy clothes or a expensive car. We had each other and we had chosen each other over all else. We were a family. But what was I now… an orphan…this family had never wanted me.

The more I thought about it the more I realized everyone had said something to me but Danielle. Danielle had always taken care of me when I was little. I remember her sleeping on my floor when I was scared at night and rocking me to sleep when I was sick, but she hadn't said a word to me.

I heard a knock on the door. I yelled out," Who is it?" I heard a quite answer," Danielle." I squeezed through the space and opened the door. She stood there and asked," Is it okay if we talk?" I said," You can talk all you want. I don't know if I have anything to say to you." I turned and walked through the space and Danielle followed. She said," Your stuff came. I like your bed spread." I said," Mom made it." I sat down on the floor in the pile of pillows. She sat down beside me and said," I'm sorry about your mom." _Not this again. Why do they all say sorry about my mom…?_ I said trying not to yell," She was our MOM! Why does everyone keep saying my mom, my brother? What changed that made us not your family anymore. You walked out on us; we never walked out on you. We were never going to walk out on you." I started to cry. She started to hug me but I pushed her away. I said," You were my sister and you left me because dad had money and mom didn't. Do you have any idea was the last eleven years have been like? Do you? Mom did everything she could to make sure we were safe. Our brother dropped out of school, got his GED, and joined the military so that he could support me. He gave up his whole life so that I would have a chance at a normal life." She said," I know, and I'm sorry. But we are still a family. We are still your family. We have the same parents and the same brothers and sisters." I said," No we don't. We stopped being a family when you walked out when I was four. I was raised by a single mom in the project and I had one brother who made sure that I never walked home from school alone and that I didn't get shot in drive-bys. You lived in a big house in the suburbs and you had a mom and a dad and brother and sisters and you were happy. You never went without food. You never went hungry." Danielle didn't say anything for a long time. Then she asked as tears rolled down her face," You were hungry?" I said," Mommy tried, but sometimes it was just to much. Sometimes we went without so we had a place to live. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to survive, but you wouldn't know about what it means to sacrifice something."


	8. an ally

Danielle and I sat in silence in the room for a while. Then she hugged me, and for once, I didn't push her away. I held her. It felt so good to be held by someone again, and even better to have my sister hold me. I knew I had made her understand. She got why I felt the way I did. She knew that my life had been a living nightmare since they had left. She knew what our mom and brother had gone through so that I could have a semblance of a normal life. She understood why I was hurting.

Now I had an ally, I wasn't alone anymore. I knew she really loved me and she was regretting ever leaving me behind. And that's all I wanted; I wanted someone to see what they had done to us when they left.

I laid there in Danielle's arms for a long time. She finally made me get up to go eat something. After we had eaten she moved some of her stuff up to my room and got the air mattress and blew it up beside my bed.

I wasn't alone anymore… I wasn't alone

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**Sorry this is a short chapter…but hopefully it answers some questions.**


	9. Singing my hurt away

That night I had another nightmare. I bolted upright in bed. Danielle sat up on her bed and then got up and moved over to mine. She pulled me into her arms and held me. She asked," What was it about?" I said through sobs," The wreck…I keep dreaming about the wreck. Why won't they go away? Why won't the nightmares go away?" She held me tighter until she felt me relax in her arms. She said," Lay back down and I'll lay with you until you fall asleep." I laid down and she pulled the covers up beside me. She lay down next to me and pulled me into her arms and I fell back asleep safe in my sister's arms.

I didn't have the nightmare anymore that night. I woke up in the morning feeling better than I had all week. It was the first time I had actually gotten any sleep. Danielle was already up and I guess was down stairs because her bed was empty. I wanted to go find her but I didn't want to run into anyone else. She finally came back up about twenty minutes later. She said," I was wondering if you were going to get up. Do you want to go get breakfast?" I shook my head no," She asked," Why are you hiding?" I said," I don't want to see them. I can't face them." She sat down beside me and said," You have to face them sometime. You can't hide in your room for the rest of you life." I sat there for a minute and a song my mom used to sing when she was sad popped into my mind. I sat down on the floor and pulled the box out from under the bed and reached in and pulled the cassette tape from the box. I asked Danielle," Do you think dad will let me sing in church on Sunday?" She said," if you ask him. What do you want to sing?" I said," It's a secret." She said," I think I can handle that." I asked," Can you ask dad for me?" She gave me the look that said, you-need-to-do-it-yourself, and said," you have to talk to him sometime Sarah?" I said," I just can't do it yet Danielle. I just can't."

She came back in a little later and said," He said that would be fine."

That Sunday I stood up in the pulpit of my father's church to sing. No one in my family had ever heard me sing before, and I was so nervous. I prayed to myself while sitting next to Danielle before I got up," Dear God, heal my pain." Then I walked up and took the microphone my dad handed me. He walked down and sat by Annie. The music started and suddenly I felt like I was a little girl again singing the song with my mom.

_When your up against a wall_

_And your mountain seems so tall_

_And you realize life's not always fair._

_You can run away and hide,_

_Let the old man decided,_

_Or you can change your circumstances with a prayer_

_When everything falls apart,_

_Praise his name._

_When you have a broken heart,_

_Just raise your hands and say,_

_Greater is he that is within me,_

_You can Praise the hurt away._

_If you'll just praise his name._

_You can overcome by the blood of the lamb_

_By the words of you testimony,_

_You see the darkness go_

_As your faith begins to grow_

_You are not alone,_

_So how can you be lonely?_

_When everything falls apart  
Praise His Name  
When you have a broken heart  
Just raise your hands and say  
Lord you are all I need  
You are everything to me  
and you take the pain away _

and when it seems you're all alone  
Praise His Name  
When you feel you can't go on  
just raise your hands and say  
Greater is He  
That is within me  
You can praise the hurt away  
if you just praise His Name!

Greater is He  
That is within me  
You can praise the hurt away  
if you just praise His Name!

My dad was the first to stand up and clap. I was crying, my brother and sisters were crying, and even Annie was crying. Music had always been my release, but it had never felt as good as it had at that moment. I think my family was finally understanding what my life had been like, and how much I was really hurting.

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**The song is Praise His Name **


	10. Friends

Lots of things changed after that service.

I sat in my room that afternoon and there was a knock on the door.  
I called out," Who is it?"  
The answer shocked me," Matt."  
I walked over and opened the door.  
He said," Dad said you sang in church this morning. Sorry I missed it. This is Sarah, my wife."  
I looked at him and asked," Your wife's name is Sarah?"  
He just shook his head.  
I asked," Why are you here? You're supposed to be in New York."  
He said," Yeah, I am, but my little sister needed me."  
For some reason his answer made me mad.  
I said," I never needed you Matt. I never had you."

The look on his face changed. I turned and walked away from the door. Matt just stood there I heard him and Sarah talking and then I heard the door shut. I thought they had both left but then Sarah peeked around the boxes.  
She asked," Is it okay if we talk?"  
I said," It's more your house than it is mine."  
I was sitting on the floor propped up against the end of my bed. Sarah sat down beside me. S  
he said," Matt has told me all about you. He does love you."  
I asked," Did he ever mention me before last week?" She sat there silently for a few minutes.  
I said," Yeah that's what I thought. I never forgot him. My brother told me all kinds of stories of the trouble they used to get into together. He always told me I would have liked Matt, but now I don't know. I'm sorry you are caught in all this, but they aren't my family any more. No matter how much I want it, or they wanted. In my heart, they just aren't my family anymore. They left us Sarah, in the middle of the night they left. I never would have left them and now I'm alone and it was never supposed to be like this. I was never alone. Even after they left I had a family and I will always have a family, but they aren't in this house, they're six feet under the ground."  
Sarah said," Look, I know you don't want Matt and your sisters to be your family right now and its okay. Really it is, but will you let me be your friend?"  
I sat there for a minute. We connected on some level. I'm not sure what it is that made what she said seem more sincere and true than anyone else, but I trusted her.  
I said," Yeah, we can try."

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**Sorry the chapter's so short. I'm taking my finals so I'm a little stressed…but I'll try to update again soon.**


	11. Six feet under

**So what do you think about the story so far?**

**Please R&R

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**

I went out with Sarah that afternoon to get pizza. We sat outside Pete's Pizza talking.

She asked," Have you really talked to anyone yet?"

I said," I talked to Danielle. She slept in my room last night on the floor, but no one besides Matt has even tried to talk to me."

She asked," What about Annie?"

I looked down. I started to answer but I couldn't figure out what to say.

She said," She's really not a bad person Sarah."

I said," She stole my family. She was the _other_ woman. How can purposely breaking up someone's family make you a good person?"

She said," You should talk to her though, tell her how you feel. She's a really good listener. You can't fix anything until you try."

I said," I don't want to fix anything with them. The only thing I want to fix is that fact that I wasn't in the car."

I looked away and then asked," Can you take me back to their house please?"

She said," Not yet, we have to talk."

I said," I'm done talking."

She said," I'm not. What do you mean about fixing the fact you weren't in the car?"

I said," We were supposed to always be together. I messed it up. I should be with them. We were going to always be together."

She looked at me and said," I never got to meet you mom, but from Matt has told me, I don't think that's what she would want for you. No mom would ever want her child to die, for any reason. You are not alone Sarah. You aren't. And I know it seems like you are, but I promise that you aren't. You have me and matt and Danielle, and all of your sisters and your dad. Just give it time."

I looked away and said," Time is not something we have a lot of."

After sitting there in silence for a half hour more Sarah got the check and we went back to the house.

I walked up to my room and shut the door behind me. I walked around the boxes and slid down beside my bed in tears.

I missed them so much. This wasn't my home, and these people weren't my family.

I just wanted to go back home. Our apartment wasn't the safest place in the world, but it was clean, and it was my home.

I just wanted to go home.

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**Sorry it's short finals have me stressed…I'll try to write more later, but I start a new job in a few weeks and it's almost summer break!**


	12. Run away home

That night after everyone had gone to sleep I slid my most prized possessions into a bag and some clothes and slipped off down the stairs. I still had my mom's credit card from before she died, so I headed for the airport.

I bought an electronic ticket back to my home town. The plane was leaving in an hour so it didn't leave time for them to even realize I was gone.

I thought about calling Aunt Susan, but I decided to wait until I got there so she couldn't call my dad.

The plane ride seemed to take forever. It seemed to strange that when we left the trip had past in a heart beat, but going home seemed to take so long.

The plane landed in my home town at six in the morning. I thought about calling Aunt Susan, but I knew she was off so I just headed to her apartment.

I stood on the doorstep, hoping that calling my father would not be the first thing she did. It took a few minutes before she got to the door.

I heard her call out," Who's there?"

I answered," It's me Aunt Susan."

The door opened and she said," Get in here. What are you doing here? Does your dad know you're here?"

There was the question I was hoping it would have taken her longer to figure out. I debated whether to tell her I had run away or that he knew. I wanted as much time as possible, so I decided to tell her he knew.

I said," He said it would be okay for me to stay here for a little while until I felt more comfortable with staying there." I hoped the was enough like him for her not to question.

She gave me a funny look but finally said," It's to early for me to question you. Are you tired?" I shook my head yes.

She said," Come on, let's get some more sleep and we'll talk later."

Aunt Susan had a one bedroom apartment, so I decided to sleep on the floor by her bed. Most of the time we just shared the bed when I stayed with her, but I knew she would talk more if I was laying beside her, and I really couldn't sleep at the moment anyway.

I laid there on the floor for about an hour before I gave up and walked into the living room. I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV and turned it down low. She came out about a half hour later. She sat down beside me and took the remote from my hand. I thought she was just going to switch to the news or something, but she turned it off and said," I talked to your dad."

I started to get up, but she pulled me back down and said," No, you have to talk to me!" I sat down as I started to cry.

She asked," Why did you run away from home and tell me he said you could come."

I looked her straight in the eyes as my tears came faster. I said," I didn't run away **from** home. I ran away **to** home."

She pulled me into her arms and held me tight. She held my head against her chest as I sobbed. Slowly I calmed down and laid there listening to the sound of her heart beating. I felt so safe here, so wanted.

This was my home. This is where I wanted to be.

After a few minutes, Aunt Susan spoke up and said," You know I have to send you back?"

I pulled away and begged," Please, please don't send me back. I don't want to go back. I want to stay here with you. Please, let me stay here!"

She said," Sarah, look at me and listen closely. I need you to give this some time. If in six months you still feel like you want to come back then we will talk about it, but until then every time you show up here I will send you back."

I said as I grabbed my stuff and headed for the door," Fine, if you don't want me I'll find someone who does."

She ran after me. She yelled," Sarah stop. You can't spend your whole life running away. Stop, let me take you back to Glen Oak."

I said," Go back into your apartment and just forget you saw me. I won't bother you again. I promise." I had taken her EL card and I knew she didn't have any money with her. I used the card and got onto the train before she made it to the platform. I watched her standing there as the train pulled away.

When I got to the airport I bought a ticket to the relative farthest away from everyone.

My mom had three sisters, Susan, Alex, and Jo.

Jo lived in Vermont where she was a teacher at a boarding school, and Aunt Alex lived in the keys.

I was going to see Aunt Alex. I spent the whole day on the plane. Aunt Alex was standing at the gate when I got off the plane. She hugged me really tight.

I asked," How did you know?"

She said," Susan called…she traced your mom's credit card."

I asked," Are you going to send me back too?"

She said," Right now we are going back to the house, but tomorrow I'm going to fly with you to Glen Oak and I'm going to stay with you for a week, then Susan is going to come stay and Jo is checking to see if she can come see you to. You have to stay with your dad though Sarah."

I followed her to get my bag as I cried.

I slid into the passenger seat of the car and turned away from her and looked out the window.

Aunt Alex lived on the beach and I had always loved spending a few weeks each summer with her and my uncle and cousins.

I wanted to stay here and never go home. I never wanted to leave.


	13. coming home

When we got to the house, Aunt Alex climbed out of the car, but I didn't move. She leaned back in and asked," Aren't you going to get out?"

I shook my head no and didn't move.

She walked around and opened my car door. She knelled down beside the door and looked up at me.

I sat perfectly still staring out the windshield down at the beach as tears slowly streamed down my face.

She said," I'm sorry you aren't getting along with your dad yet, but Sarah, you have to give it some time. It will work out. They are you're family."

I said," No they aren't. But I thought I at least had three aunts who loved me and wanted me to be happy, but I guess I really am all alone now."

She said," Sarah, we do love you, and we do want you to be happy."

I asked," Then why can't I stay with you? Why do I have to live with people who never wanted me?"

She pulled me into her arms and said," Because he is your dad and he loves you. You have to give him another chance. It will be okay I promise."

I begged," Please, Aunt Alex, please, let me stay here with you."

She said," You know I love you with all my heart, and I will always love you. SO I need you to do me a favor. Can you do that for me?"

I shook my head yes.

She said," I need you to give him six months. If in six months you still feel the same, Aunt Susan said you can live with her. Okay?"

I finally shook my head yes as tears continued to stream down my face.

The next morning Aunt Alex and I boarded the plane on the cross country flight back to Glen Oak.

When the plane landed, my dad met us at the gate along with Danielle, Kevin, and Lucy.

Danielle hugged me and looked me straight in the eyes and said," Don't ever do that to me again. I woke up and you were gone. I was afraid I had lost you again."

I took a step back towards Aunt Alex when my dad came up. He knelled down on the floor and pulled me into his arms.

I wanted to love him, but he had hurt me so much and I was still hurting so much. I couldn't handle any more hurt.

He said," Let's get you home. Mary is there with Annie making you a cake."

I tried to be happy. I wanted to be happy, but I had built such a big wall around my heart. I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I just wanted to be alone with my aunts because I trusted them.

When we got to the house Annie hugged me when I walked in the door, but I didn't hug back. She was trying to fill my mother's place and that was something I absolutely refused to accept.

Aunt Alex carried her stuff up to my room. Then we all ate cake and I went up to get ready for bed. Mary came into my room and sat down on the bed beside me.

She said," I'm happy your home. I know you're scared and you really don't want to be here, But I love you."

I asked," Then why did you leave me?"

She said," I was so confused then, but can I tell you a secret?"

I shook my head yes, and I saw Aunt Alex appear in the doorway.

She said," Never did a day go by that I didn't regret leaving you and going with dad."

I said," But you call Annie mom."

She said," I know I do, but she's my step mom, and she will never really take mom's place. Don't you ever worry that Annie is taking mom's place because each and every one of us considers only our mom to be our mom. Okay?"

I said," Okay. Good night Mary."

She said as she hugged me," Good night Sarah."


	14. The Suprise

I woke up the next morning to Lucy.

She asked," Kevin and I want to know if you want to go to a movie with us?"

I asked," What movie?"

She answered," You pick."

I asked," Can Aunt Alex come too?"

She said," If she wants that's fine."

I walked down stairs with Lucy to find Aunt Alex. We all four went to the movie, and I had a lot of fun. Aunt Alex and Lucy walked into the house ahead of Kevin and me when we got home. I sat down on the back porch. Kevin turned around and sat back down beside me.

I asked," Did Lucy ever talk about me? Before my mom died that is?"

He said," All the time. Just because you weren't here doesn't mean that she forgot you. You family loves you a lot and they want you to be with them. It's just going to take a while for you to get back in with the way things used to be. They love you. You know that right?"

I sat there then said," When I was little I used to dream that my sisters would come back to get me and take me home. I used to dream that we would all be together again, but we will never really be a family again, at least not to me. My mom and my brother are dead. My family will never be complete without them, and every one here reminds me so much of them. It hurts."

Lucy had been listening the whole time. She sat down beside me and wrapped her arms around me.

She said," I'm sorry you're hurting. You remind me so much of mom. The way you talk, and your laugh, she's living on inside of you. You have every thing it takes to make us a family. You have our past. And with our past, together, we can build a new future."

We held each other as we cried. I fell asleep in Lucy's arms. Kevin carried me into the house and upstairs to my room.

The next morning when I woke up I picked up the phone and called New York. Sarah answered the phone.

I said," I'm sorry if I seemed mean earlier. I feel better now. I hope you can Matt can come next week. I have a surprise for everybody."

She said," It's okay. I'm glad you're feeling better and we will be there. See you then. Bye Sarah."

I hung up and called Aunt Susan. I asked," Can you ship that box now. I think they're ready.

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**Cliffhanger dun, dun, dun…..well sorry it's short. I'll try to update soon. Please R&R**


	15. You must finish your own story

**sorry it took me so long to update...i just started a new job painting murals and it's a long and hard process... please R&R

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I waited anxiously for three days before the package finally arrived. I had dad carry it up to my room and I locked the door and set off to work.

* * *

My mom had told me about this box and some of what was in it. She told me if anything ever happened, that when I felt the time was right, to give them out.

I opened the box and pulled out white boxes with our names written in my mother's handwriting on each box.

When Matt and Sarah got there on Friday I called everyone into the living room where I had laid out the boxes.

I said," Before you look inside we have to do something first."

I turned on the TV and hit the play button.

Mom appeared on the screen, I missed her voice so much," Each of you has a box and inside of it is something I have made for each of you. It tells the story of your lives, as my child, I hope that you will cherish it always. Still love you the mostest."

We each opened our boxes to find a quilt hand made for each of us by my mother. Pieces of the outfit we were brought home in started the quilt, and handprints on tiny pieces of fabric.

Our whole lives as my mother remembered them were on this small square the pieced together to show our whole lives.

* * *

She left a few squares empty in the end and left a small note that said,"

_My loves,_

_If you are reading this then for some reason I'm no longer with you, but it is up to you to finish your own story, so I left a few squares empty for you to fill in. _

_Love you the mostest,_

_Mom."

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_

I took my quilt and pulled in close.

Mary said," She's right, we have to finish our own stories, but we don't have to do it alone. We have each other, we're sisters, we'll always have each other."

I said," Yeah, but I don't want to finish my story without her. All we had was each other, my story can't be finished without her…she's my story."


	16. I want to go home

Sorry it's short. I'll try to update some more next week while I'm on vacation.

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I walked up to my room and sat down on the bed.

Annie knocked a few minutes later.

I called out," You can come in."

She opened the door and asked," Can we talk?"

I looked up and said," I guess. It's your house."

She sat down beside me and said," It's your house too. I know that you don't like me very much and you think that I'm trying to take your mom, but I just want to love you."

I said as tears started down my face," I want to love you; really, I do, but if I love you then my mom won't listen to me anymore."

She said," Sarah, moving on and getting on with your life will never make your mom stop listening to you. She will always be with you no matter what. She will always be in your heart, and in your memories. You had many good years with your mom and now you have the chance to have many good years here with us. But you have to open up and be willing to let us love you."

Aunt Alex walked into the door way.

I said," I want to stay here and I want to be with my family, but…"

Aunt Alex walked in and sat down beside Annie.

Aunt Alex asked," But what?"

I said," I miss my home, and my school, and I really miss my friends. I want to be with you, but I want to go home."


	17. What did I do to deserve this?

Annie said," I know you miss your home and your friends, but you can make new friends and you will have us." 

I said," If I went home I would have my friends and Aunt Susan, and I would be where my mom is. I want to go back home."

Aunt Alex said," Our deal is you have to stay here for the summer. Remember, when you ran away and Susan told you you have to at least stay for the summer."

I got up and said before I walked out," I want to go home, now"  
I walked down stairs and out onto the porch.

Sarah, Matt's wife walked out and sat down beside me on the swing.

She asked," What's wrong?"

I said as tears rolled down my face," I want to go home. I want to be with my mom. Why don't dad and Annie understand?"

Sarah asked," What don't they understand?"

I said," That I need to be where my mom is. I need to be near her. She's not here."

Sarah turned me to look at her and said," She's not there anymore either."

I started to cry harder and said," But her body is. Her grave is there. I need to be where she is. I need her. I still need her. And my brother. I still need them both.they are my family."

Sarah hugged me and asked," Why do you need to be where her body is? Why do you still need them?"

I said," She's the person who held me when I was sick and sat up with me when I woke up scared. My brother used to have tea parties with me and he never once complained even though I know he hated them. He used to put band aides on my knees when I fell down, and he looked under my bed and in my closet every night before I fell asleep, just in case any monsters had snuck in. They are my family. That place is my home.home is where the heart is. My heart is still with them.and it always will be."

She said," Your dad and Annie and all of you sisters and brother love you."

I said," I know, but that will never change the fact that they left me. Sarah, taking me in now and trying to love me will never take away the past. They walked out on me. all of them walked out on me. My brother and my mom never left me. They NEVER left! Your family is never supposed to leave you. But my family have been ones to follow the rules have they?"

Sarah didn't answer. She just sat looking at me. She looked like she was hanging on to every word I said trying to figure out what was going on inside my head.

I continued," My father is a minister. He stands in front of couples all the times and recites those stupid vows; love, honor, cherish, til death do you part, but when it came to him, when it came to my mom. he didn't care about the vows or the promises he had made to us; he only cared about himself. He has never cared about anyone but himself."

My dad and Annie and Aunt Alex walked out onto the porch, but I didn't see them.

Sarah asked," what do you mean?"

I said," What kind of father walks out on his baby girl. Who would leave their child alone without the basic essentials of life. We didn't have any money. Mommy had always stayed at home with all of us and dad had gone to work. When he left mom had to try to find a job, but she had never finished college, so my brother dropped out of school to help support us. I came home from school to an empty house most of the time unless Aunt Susan was off and then she would pick me up, but they gave up everything for me, so that I wouldn't go with out. How could anybody care about anyone but themselves and do something like that. I was just a little girl, what did I ever do to deserve this. What did I do that was so bad that God is punishing me so much?"

My dad walked over to me and said as he tried to take my hands in his," God is not punishing you Sarah."

I pulled away and started to run, but Aunt Alex caught me and pulled me back into her arms. I fought to get away.  
She sat down and held me tightly up against her.  
She held my heard to her chest and said," You did nothing to deserve this. Oh sweetie, God is not punishing you."

I burst into tears and asked," Then why did he take away my mom and brother and then send me HERE? I just want to go home. Please, Aunt Alex, take me back to Aunt Susan. I want to go home."

She carried me inside and called Aunt Susan. She got on the next flight to Glen Oak.

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**Sorry it took so long to update. Please R&R so that I know if there are still peeps out there reading my story...until next time**


	18. You can't come home

Aunt Alex had to practically hold me hostage in my room. I was bound and determined I was leaving and I wasn't waiting for Aunt Susan to get there.

That night I tried for two hours to get away from Aunt Alex and out of my room but she held me down in my bed.

She said," Sarah, stop it. You have to calm down and stop fighting me."

I yelled," I want to go home. Please let me go home."

She said," you can't go home. This is your home now. You can't go back to where you lived before. You just can't."

I fought her until I fell asleep from exhaustion.

I woke up the next morning to Aunt Susan rubbing my cheek.

I sat up and hugged her tight.

I begged," Please, please bring me home."

She pulled me away and said," Look at me, Sarah, look at me."

I slowly looked up at her.

She said," You cannot come back home. You have to stay here with your dad. You have no choice and no say in this. If after six months, which is until the end of summer, you are still as miserable as you are now I will talk with you about maybe coming back to live with me. He's you dad Sarah, no matter what, he's your dad. I want you to give him a chance and give your brother and sisters a chance. They all love you very much and they want the chance to get to know and for you to get to know them. Forget about the past and work on the future. You cannot come back with me so stop using it as an escape. You can come visit me one week, next, summer. Only if you are still living with you dad and you have to be making an effort to get along with him, and Annie."

I begged," But you are my family, and that is my home. I want to go home. I feel like half of my heart and soul are buried in the ground where you are, not here. I need to be with the other half of my heart. I need my mom."

She pulled me into a hug and said," I know that you miss her and that you need her and I wish to God that she was still here, but she's not. You have to love with the card you are dealt. Your dad is back and he wants to take care of you now. Give him a chance."


	19. Lucy's Promise

**thanks for all you reviews and ideas. I'm considering you thoughts and working on where to take this story from here. Please R&R. :)

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I said," I want to come home."

Annie and Dad and Aunt Alex came in.

Dad said," This is your home, Sarah. I want to give you the kind of life that you always deserved."

I was getting more and more frustrated. I said," The life I have was the life that you gave me. You are the one who left us without any money and no way to support ourselves. I never deserved the life I was given, but you are the one who gave it to me, not my mom, and certainly not my brother. They gave up every thing for me. The only thing you ever gave up was me."

I tried to walk away, but Annie took my arm and said," Please, don't walk away from us."

I said," You're the ones who walked away." I walked downstairs and out to Lucy and Kevin's apartment.

I didn't think they were home, but Lucy had come back and was sitting on the bed watching tv.

I said once I saw her," Sorry, I didn't know you were home."

I started to walk back out, but she said," No, Sarah wait. What's wrong?"

I sat down on the bed beside her and said," I want to go home, back with Aunt Susan, but no one will let me."

She said," I don't want you to go. I know you miss you home, but I would miss you if you were gone."

I said," I know, I would miss you too, but I miss my mom. I want to go back to where I was raised. I never really had the chance to say good-bye. I just want to go home."

Lucy said," I'll go with you."

I was stunned," You want to go with me. You do know where I'm from right?"

She said," I know you didn't have an easy life, and I want to give you the chance to say good bye. I want you to be happy here."

I said," But dad and Annie won't let me."

She said," I'll talk to them, but you have to promise that you will come back without fighting when our time there is up."

I asked," How long will I have."

She said," two weeks."

I said," Okay. I promise to come back willingly at the end of two weeks."

Lucy said," Okay, I will talked to dad and Annie. Stay here and watch TV, and I'll go talk to everyone."

I watched TV and Lucy left.

She came back a few minutes later with dad, Annie, and both my aunts.

Lucy said," They all agreed that I could take you home for two weeks. We're going to stay at Aunt Susan and you can show me around."


	20. Life ended

**Sorry that it has taken so long...school is stressful to start with. I hope to get a few chapters up over the long weekend, but it's the 1st football game of the season, so I'll try. Please R&R and tell what you think and if you think i should keep going or call it quits.

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Lucy and I got on a plane three days later heading back to the only place I would ever consider home. I was so excited about showing my sister around my home, and letting her meet my best friend.

We landed in my hometown after a plane ride that once again seemed like it had taken forever.

Aunt Susan picked us up at the airport. We all hugged and then headed out to Aunt Susan's apartment.

Lucy took the couch and I was sleeping in Aunt Susan's room.

We had been there for about an hour when I said," I'm going to go see my mom. Does anyone want to come?"

They both said they would go with me.

We got into Aunt Susan's VW Bug and drove to the cemetery. We stayed for about an hour. Mostly Lucy and Aunt Susan sat on a bench under a tree and I sat at mom's tombstone and talked to her. I had so much to tell her. It had been such a long time since I had gotten to talk to her last.

Lucy walked up and sat down beside me after a while. She asked," What are you telling her?"

I simply answered her," Everything."

She asked," do you talk to her at our house?"

I said," I try… but I don't think she can hear me there."

Lucy asked," Why not?"

I said," Because she's here."

Lucy said," But, Sarah, she's not. I know you want her to be, and I promise you I want her to be here too. She's not here."

I said," Under where I'm sitting is the person who held me when I was scared and sang to me and loved me. She's right here. Her soul isn't here anymore. I know that, but the arms that held me close and never let go are right here. She's here."

Lucy sat there quietly for a little while longer before she said," Ready to go? We can come back later this week if you want."

I said," Okay," I leaned down and kissed the tombstone and said," I love you mom, bye bubby."

Lucy asked," Is that what you called him?"

I said," Yeah, I loved him. He was bubby and I was sissy. He loved me. He gave up everything for me."

I got up and walked back to the car.

We went to dinner.

The next day Aunt Susan went into work and I woke Lucy up. I said," I'm leaving in about a half hour to go to my house. Are you coming?"

She said," Yeah, let me get dressed."

I said," Don't wear anything expensive."

She asked," Why?"

I said," You'll stand out. You never want to stand out where I grew up."

Once she was ready we walked all the way down to my house. Aunt Susan hadn't finished cleaning out the apartment yet, so it was still ours. I unlocked the door and opened it.

I said," Welcome to my home."

Lucy looked around. I could tell by the look on her face that she really didn't know where I had come from. She seemed shocked by our beaten and worn couch and the crate for a coffee table. The rug that had probably been installed in the 40's and never cleaned made her wrinkle her nose. Our tiny kitchen with the bright yellow curtains and out of date counters and cabinets, she was amazed.

I led her down the hall to our room.

I said," This is where mom and I slept. This was mom's bed and that's mine over there in the other corner. The room across the hall was our brothers. His medals need to be put into a shadow box, and his flag is still here."

She asked," His flag?"

I said," HE was buried with military honors. He had a flagged draped over his coffin. Don't you remember? You were here."

She said," I think I blocked those days from my mind."

I sat down on the mattress and said," I wish I could do that, but how do you block out the day that your life ended?"

She said," You life didn't end. Just the chapter you were in."


	21. My Mother's Storybook

We sat there without saying a word.

I said," For you and dad and everyone else one chapter ended and another one started with me in it. But for me the story ended. My life isn't the happy fairy tale that yours has been. I had a story book, when I was little, before you left. Then I started a new book, here, in the projects. You don't know what living here is like. You wouldn't survive a day here. People shoot at you and there are drug dealers and gangs. You would never understand. None of you would be able to survive the life I live. You don't know what it's like to struggle for basic survival. Everything you ever needed was given to you; you only had to work for the things you wanted. Lucy, I had to work for the things I needed. When I was six we went for a week without food, we had expenses we hadn't planned on and we were out of food stamps. I finally went out and begged strangers for money so that I could get us some food. You were a sheltered child in an upper class neighborhood, the daughter of a minister. I wasn't."

Aunt Susan had come in and asked," Would you change anything?"

I looked out the window and thought for a minute before I answered," Mom always told me that we didn't have much, but we had it all as long as we were together…I would change the fact I wasn't in the car. We could have still had it all if we were together."

No one said anything for a long time.

Aunt Susan finally broke the silence and said," Let's go back to my apartment. We can come back and pack some tomorrow."

I said," I'm going to stay here."

Lucy said," You can't stay here alone."

I asked," Why not, I've been doing it my whole life?"

She just looked at me.

I said," Don't worry. You don't have to stay here. I don't want anyone to stay here."

Aunt Susan knew what I was getting at. She asked," What are you going to do?"

She already knew my answer, but she also knew that Lucy didn't.

I said," I'm going to say good-bye."

With that, they left me there alone in the apartment.

I heard the door lock behind them and then the house was quiet. I walked into the living room and pulled the tiny tape player out from under the couch where we kept it and plugged it up. I hit the play button and turned up the radio. The room filled with music.

I pulled the photo album out of the crate and sat back on the couch with my legs crossed and opened the book to the first page. There was a photo of us smiling together. Aunt Susan had taken it at Thanksgiving. It was the first time in a few years that we had, had a turkey… we were happy.

I spent all night packing the apartment myself. It was my way of telling them good-bye. Aunt Susan and Lucy came around eight the next morning. The boxes were stacked neatly in a corner and the furniture we had was stacked neatly in the other. There was one box I had found hidden in the back of the linen closet that I didn't know what it was, but written in my mom's handwriting was," For Sarah."

I asked," Aunt Susan, do you know what's in this box?"

She looked at it for a minute and then a tear fell from her eye as she shook her head yes.

I asked," What is it?"

She said," Why don't you open it up and look."

I opened the box and saw newspaper. When I pulled off the first piece, a tear fell from my eye.

I said," I thought we got rid of this. I told mom to sell it when money got real tight."

She said," I know, I gave her the money and told her to keep it."

Lucy asked," What is it?"

I said," The White Album."

She said," The what?"

I said," The Beetles, The White Album."

She said," Okay, what's so special about it?"

I said," It's a piece of my childhood you would never understand."

That's all I said before I pulled out a tiny white shirt box. I opened it.

Aunt Susan said," That's the outfit you were brought home in. Your mom made it just for you. She knew something different would happen to you before you grew up. I think that's why she made this box, and why she left the quilts."

I said," Why did she think something different would happen to me?"

She said," Your mom was always had really good instincts about things. Want to know something else she knew?"

I shook my head yes as she reached into the box and pulled out a book.

She handed me the book and said," She always knew you would make a difference."

I opened the book. It started on December 25, the Christmas my dad left. My mom had carefully recorded my life and her hopes and dreams for me.

I cried as I read the pages of her hopes and dreams for me. She had such high hopes for me. Growing old and getting married, having kids and giving them the life I always wanted, but planting in them the same values I had struggled to learn, the life lessons the projects had taught me. How would I ever make her dreams for me come true?

Aunt Susan must have known what I was thinking, because she wrapped her arm around me and said," Just keep living. Learn to Love again, and let yourself be loved. That's all she ever wanted for you was for you to be loved."

I placed everything back into the box and we loaded one of Aunt Susan's, friend's van and locked the door to the place that had once been my home.

Now there was no turning back.

My dad's house was the only home I had…I called it my home.

….

My home… I guess living there won't be horrible. I will still be able to come visit Aunt Susan, and I will have my brother and sisters back.


	22. Blackbird

**I don't own the song. It's the Beetles song Blackbird...off of the White Album**

**Please R&R**

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The rest of the week, I showed Lucy around my neighborhood and she got to meet my friends.

I only had one week left here before I would have to return back to Glen Oak.

I wanted to show Lucy the happy things about living here. I wanted her to walk away with a piece of mom… I wanted her to know why I loved my mom so much and why it was so hard to let go.

When Aunt Susan got off on Sunday morning we went to church, and I showed Lucy the class my mom had taught.

We walked into a room full of cribs and rockers.

I said," This was mom's class."

Lucy asked," What did she do? It's just babies."

I said," She loved them, she held them close, and she made them feel safe. The world couldn't hurt them while she was holding them. It was the same way with me. The world couldn't hurt me as long as she was around; I was always safe in her arms. That's why I'm scared…There's no one left to protect me."

Lucy said," Yes there is. Sarah, you aren't alone."

I said," Maybe not, but I feel alone. Safety comes with trust, and it's hard to trust someone who walked out on you."

Lucy said," I know. I love you though, and I want you to trust me. I want you to know that you can tell me anything and I will never let you go. Okay?"

I walked out of the room and stood at the window. I closed my eyes and stood there imagining my mom sitting in a rocking chair with a baby in her arms softly singing Blackbird. The same way I remembered in my childhood.

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FLASHBACK: **

Slowly rocking back and forth. The soft squeaks of the chair. Then her voice would fill the dark, quiet room:

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night,_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly._

_All my life,_

_I've been waiting for this moment to arise._

My eyes would weigh heavy and I would drift off to sleep safe and warm in her arms.

**END OF FLASHBACK

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**

Lucy was standing beside me. She said," Are you okay?"

I shook my head yes and said," I think I want to go back to the apartment. I can't do this."

Aunt Susan said," Okay, come on."

We went back to the apartment and sat around.

I was lying on Aunt Susan's bed muffling my tears in the pillow with the blanket pulled up over my head.

I felt someone sit down beside me, and then someone rubbed my back before pulling the covers back away from my face.

Aunt Susan said softly," Roll over and look at me." I rolled over with tears pouring from my eyes.

She asked," Why are you crying?"

I just asked," Can you sing it?"

She said," Sarah, she's not here to sing it with me. I know you really want to hear her sing it."

I asked," Please, just sing it?"

She lay down beside me and pulled me into her arms. She kissed my temple and sang," _Blackbird singing in the dead of night,_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly._

_All my life,_

_I've been waiting for this moment to arise_."

Then we laid in each others arms until I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up later and Lucy was sitting on bed beside me. She said," I know why you wanted me to come here. I understand now."

I sat up and asked," Why do you think I brought you here?"

She said," Because you have memories of mom from your entire life, and I don't. You're trying in your own way to show me who mom was and what she wanted of us all. How she wanted us to be together and how much she wanted to love us. And how much alive she still is to you. I know Sarah. I know how much mom loved me; I loved her just as much. I hate that I lost the chance to love her all those years and that I missed out on watching you grow up and getting to be your big sister. But I know how much she loved me and you and how much you love her. She was my mom too Sarah, and I missed out a lot not having her around. I wish I could take it back, but I can't, but I do have another chance with you. Let me in and let me love you. Come home with me and give us another shot. It's what mom would want."

I asked," You really think so?"

She said," All mom wanted for us was to be happy, healthy, and loved… we love you Sarah. Give us another try."

I shook my head and hugged her as I said," Okay. I'll come home and give it another shot."


	23. Learning to love again

**Hey, I know it's a short chapter, but it has major plot factors. Please R&R...no reviews no updates...Sorry but life is busy...**

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The rest of that week flew by and we were on a plane on our way back to Glen Oak.

I was coming back for a week in the summer to see Aunt Susan, and I had promised her I would give Dad and chance and I had even promised to give Annie and chance too.

The plane ride seemed to take forever this time.

When we landed, Dad and Annie were at the air port to meet us.

I called Aunt Susan to let her know we had made it okay, and then we headed home.

I sat down and ate dinner with the whole family that night. After dinner, I went up to my room and unpacked the rest of the way. Lucy came up and said," How are you feeling?"

I said with a smile," Peaceful, it doesn't hurt to be here anymore."

She said," I'm glad."

Annie walked in and said," Hey, Sarah, can I talk to you?"

Lucy said," I'll be in the apartment if you need me. Good night."

I said," Good night Lucy."

Annie pulled up my desk chair and sat down.

She said," I just want to let you know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I lost my mom too. I know it's not the same thing, I knew my mom was sick, and it was sudden, but she had lived a long full life. I know what it's like to miss your mom though. I just want you to be able to feel comfortable talking to me. I'm here for you, and I do love you."

I said," Thank, and maybe with time I'll be able to tell you I love you too, but for now, can we just work on being friends?"

She said," That sounds like a plan to me. Good night Sarah."

She hugged me and walked out of my room.

My dad was the next one to walk in.

He sat down on the bed beside me.

He stared off into space and said," I miss her sometimes too. The past is what it is, and neither of us can change it. You will always be my baby girl Sarah. I love you. I have always loved you."

I said as a tear slipped from my eye," I love you too Daddy."

We held each other for a few minutes and then he said," Good night."

I said," Night dad."

He left and my room was quiet. I whispered," Good night mom."

Then I turned off my light.


	24. Seven Sisters

**Hey, I know this is a short chapter, but it's setting up the next big plot, so hope you enjoy, please R&R**

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I laid there in my bed trying to fall asleep, but my mind was still trying process what was happening.

I quietly slipped downstairs and out the back door. I sat down on a bench on the porch.

I sat there thinking out loud," A few weeks ago I lived in the projects and I went to school with my friends, I had my mom and my brother, and we were happy. Now, I have Matt and Danielle, Mary, Lucy, Kevin, Sarah, my dad, and Annie. I lost two and gained eight. I have my family again. I don't have to dream about it anymore, they're right here, but I don't feel happy. At least not the same happy I had when I was little, when we were all together."

Mary sat down beside me. I hadn't even seen her walk up the side walk.

She said," It the same happy, it just feels different because you're different."

I looked at her and said," I miss her Mary."

She said as she wrapped an arm around my shoulder," I miss her too. But one day we won't miss her this much anymore. We'll be able to remember the happy time and we'll always have her love. And we'll always have each other."

I said," I know. But it doesn't change how I feel now."

She said," Nothing can change what you feel now. You're hurting; we all are, in our own way. Listen."

I heard dad singing… on the roof, I guessed.

She finished," That's what he does when he's hurting. That's what he's always done."

I said," Mom told me he used to do that. One night we were at the hospital with Aunt Susan and mom asked Aunt Susan to show me the stars. I didn't know what she meant, but she took me up onto the roof and we lay down on her coat and looked up at the stars. Come here."

We walked out and lay down on the grass. I pointed up and said," That one right there. See it?"

She said," It's just a bunch of stars."

I said," It's the seven sisters. Over millions of years they've stayed together even though there are millions of things that could have changed that. There were seven women in our family: Aunt Susan, Aunt Alex, you, me, mom, Danielle, and Lucy. Even though things changed between us Aunt Susan said that as long as those stars were together we would always have each other."

She said," I only count six."

I said," the seventh isn't very bright, but it's still there. I always thought that, that star was me. Dimmer than all the rest, not wanted as much as the rest. It's not me anymore though. I think that's mom, watching over us, casting the dimmest glow to light our way. My candle in the dark. Good night Mary."


	25. Not my Mother!

**sorry it took me so long to update...schools got me running in circles trying to get everything done when it needs to be done...hope you like this chapter...please R&R

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I got up and walked into the house followed by my sister.

I walked up to my room and quietly shut the door.

I slipped between the covers on my bed and turned off the light.

I wrapped my arms around my bear and whispered softly to the darkness," I still love you the mostest."

Annie woke me up the next morning. She said," We're going clothes shopping, Do you want to come and get some new school clothes?"

Then it hit me all of the sudden like a ton of bricks, I would never be able to shop with my mom again. I would be going to a new school, with people I didn't know, and I couldn't come home to my mom at the end of the day.

I managed to say through the tears I was holding inside," Thanks, but I already went school shopping."

The truth was, I hadn't, I just couldn't do something like that with her.

School shopping had always been a big thing when I was growing up. My mom and brother saved up extra money to buy me the cool pencils and a new outfit and pair of school shoes.

I couldn't do any of those this with Annie, she couldn't have that memory.

She looked at me for a second then said," Okay, if you change you mind just tell me, we aren't leaving until around lunch."

I said," Thanks."

She turned and walked out of the room. I got up and shut the door after her. I turned around and slid down the door as tears poured from my eyes.

I buried my face into my knees and tried to muffle my sobs.

There was a soft knock on the door that startled me.

I heard a soft voice say from the other side," Sarah, it's just me, will you please open the door?"

It was Mary.

I said back," I just want to be alone, please, just leave me alone."

She pushed on the door and I moved out of the way.

She shut the door back behind her and sat down beside me. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her arms as I cried.

It felt good to have her hold me again. She hadn't held me like this since the night she left.

She slowly rocked back and forth until I wasn't sobbing anymore, and the tears just flowed silently down my face.

She whispered," I know why you won't go shopping, and its okay."

I said," I want mom, Mary, I want our mom."

She held me closer and said as a tear fell from her eye," I want her too."

I felt the tear hit my cheek as she cried. I looked up. None of them had ever cried for mom, not even at the funeral. They had looked so detached and uncaring at the funeral, almost like they didn't care, but she was crying now. About our mom.

I pulled away and said," This is the first time you've cried."

She said as she wiped a tear away," No it's not. We're just a lot a like. We like to cry alone, in the dark, when we think no one can hear us. I can hear you. You don't have to cry alone Sarah. I love you, we love you; you're not alone anymore."

I said," I know, but I feel so alone without her, and I don't even have my friends. Mary I don't want to go to a new school. I want to go to my school, with my friends, and in my town."

She said," I know you do, and I can't even imagine having to change schools, but it'll be okay. You're going to have friends in no time….after all you have me as a big sister."

We both laughed.

I said," Yeah, remind me not to tell people that."

She wiped the rest of the tears from my face and said," How about you and me and Lucy and Danielle take you out school shopping. I'm sure Annie will understand."

I said," I'd like that."

She said," Get dressed. I'll go talk to everybody."

I got dressed and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

Annie had made toast and eggs. She handed me a plate and I sat down next to Mary.

I looked at Mary and she shook her head no.

I asked," What?"

She said," Annie wants to take you shopping on her own."

I said," I want to go with you and Lucy and Danielle."

She said," And Annie wants to take you. She's thinks it'll be good for the two of you to have some quality time together."

I got up and said," No, I don't want to go with Annie. This was something I did with my mom, with you I won't go with any one else. I'll just wear what I already have and use my binder from last year."

I got up and ran up to my room. I'm sure they heard me slam the door in the kitchen.

There was a knock a little while later.

I asked," What?"

My dad said," Can we talk?"

I said," I'm not going school shopping with Annie. I can't."

He sat down on the bed beside me and asked," Why can't you?"

I said," If you don't know, then you really don't know me at all."

He said," Sarah, I know it was something special that you did with you mom, and that's why Annie wants to do it with you."

I stood up in front of him and yelled," Annie is NOT my mother! And she never will be!" I ran out of the house. I ran into the garage apartment and found Lucy sitting on the bed watching TV.

She asked," What's wrong?"

I was completely out of breath. I heard dad calling my name.

I looked at Lucy and said," I don't want to talk to him. Make him go away."

Lucy said," Slow down, why don't you want to talk to him."

I said," I can't talk to him now. Make him go away."

He walked up the stairs. Lucy asked," Dad, can you give us a few minutes please?"

He said," I need to talk to her."

I said," I don't want to talk to you, and I'm not going with her."

I started to run out the door, but Lucy caught my arm. Mary ran up the stairs about that time.

Lucy said," Give us a little while. We'll be in the house later." He finally left.

I fought to get away from Lucy.

Mary pulled me into her arms and said," Calm down. Take a deep breath and calm down."

I stopped fighting and sat down on the bed.

Lucy asked," What is going on Sarah? What did I miss?"

I said," Annie wants to take me shopping for school. I just want to go with you and Mary and Danielle, but she won't listen. Dad won't listen. I won't go with her. She's not my mother. This was something special. She can't have it."

Lucy asked," Can't have what?"

I said," That memory... I never want to look back in my life and remember going shopping for school with the person who took away my family."


	26. My End of the Deal

**Please R&R. Reviews are greatly apperciated...they are always full of great idea and encouragment...so please send me some.

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Lucy looked at me for a minute. She brushed the hair back away from my face and tucked it behind my ear.

She said," Sarah, I know that you don't like Annie right now, but she is married to Dad."

I yelled," She stole dad."

Lucy said," No, sweetie, she didn't. I know you were little and Dad was your hero when you were little…"

I interrupted," He wasn't my hero. I hated him. I hated all of you."

She asked," Why did you hate him? Why did you hate us?"

I looked up at her fighting off tears and said," Because you left and you didn't take us with you. Everyday was a struggle. Nothing was ever enough. No matter how hard they worked it was never enough. You left and you took every thing with you. We were alone, and we didn't know what to do. I hated you because you left me behind."

She looked at me and said," I don't know what to say. I know you didn't have an easy life, and I know you were really close to mom…"

I broke in," Not really. I knew every thing, and still nothing."

She looked puzzled.

I said," That's why for a really long time I hated all of you too, and I still do."

She asked," Why do you hate us?"

I said," You have memories of mom. You know how her cookies smelled when they came out of the oven, and her favorite lipstick color, and the way her soap smelled. I hate you because I don't have memories like that. I have memories of her back as she walked out the door to go to work again. And her outline in the dark as she slept in her bed across the room from me. I never got to bake cookies or help with Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't get to have her as a mom like you did. One of the few memories of her I actually have is shopping for school supplies. Annie cannot have that memory."

Lucy pulled me into her arms and held me as tears slowly feel from my eyes.

Annie walked in and asked," Can we talk?"

I said," I don't know what else to say to you. Please, just leave me alone and give me time."

Annie sat down beside Lucy and me and said," We have to talk. You can't avoid me forever. Sarah, please, talk to me."

I looked at Lucy and said," I'm going to my room. Come get me when we're leaving to go shopping."

Annie stood up and said," Sarah, stop, tell me what's going on."

I turned around and yelled," You're not my mom, so quit trying!"

I ran down the stairs and up into the house. I ran all the way up to my room and shut the door. I slipped my chair under the door so you couldn't open it and picked up the phone.

I dialed home to Aunt Susan's apartment. When there was no answer I called the hospital and asked to talk to her. When she finally answered the phone I was in tears. She held the phone to her ear for a minute before she asked," What happened sweetie?"

I said though the tears that choked back my voice," I want to come home. I tried it for the summer. You said we would talk about it if I stayed here all summer. I stayed. I did what you asked, now please, let me come home. I want to come home."

She asked again," Sarah, sweetie, what happened?"

I said as I began to sob," She's trying to take her place. I hate her. I hate all of them."

She said," No you don't. I know you're mad and upset, but you don't hate them. What did they do that upset you so much?"

I said," I always went school shopping with mom. Annie won't let Mary and Lucy take me. She says I have to go with her. She can't do that Aunt Susan, that's my memory. I want to come home. I want to come home."

She said," Take the phone to your dad."

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Cliff hanger...dun dun dun...sorry it's taken me so long to add a chapter...laife should slowing down in the next few weeks and I hope to get a few chapters done over christmas break. Thanks for being patient. :D**


	27. Her Deal

I yelled down the stairs," Dad, the phones for you."

I covered the receiver and listened.

It wasn't two minutes and Aunt Susan said," Sarah, Hang up the phone. I'll call you after I talk to your dad. I love you sweetie."

I said as a tear fell from my eyes," I love you to Aunt Susan."

I hung up and sat at the foot of my bed. I could go home. She was actually talking to him about me coming home. I love my sisters and my brother, but I miss my home more. That place was my whole life. I didn't really know any of the people who lived in this house. They had different parents than me, a different background, they weren't like me. We were different. I just wanted to go home.

The phone rang about an hour later and I answered.

Aunt Susan said," I talked to your dad. I'm going to take a few days off and come down next week so we can all talk together."

I asked," But you're going to let me come home?"

She said," I don't know yet Sarah. We need to talk together first. Just promise to behave and listen until I get there?"

I didn't answer her.

She said," Sarah, promise me you're going to listen to them."

I said," She's not my mother. Annie's never going to be like my mom."

She said," She knows that, and I know that, but she is still the adult and you have to listen to her. Do you understand me?"

I said," Yes ma'am. I love you Aunt Susan."

She said," I love you too Sarah. I'll see you next week."

The days between that phone call and her coming seemed to drag on forever.

I spent most of my time shut up in my room. I didn't want to talk to any of them.

They didn't understand.

The day Aunt Susan came I sat on the porch swing all day waiting for the cab to pull up in front of the house.

I ran out to meet it when she got there.

I hugged her as she go out of the cab.

She sat her bag down and wrapped her arms around me.

I cried as I asked," Please take me home with you…Please?"

She pulled the hair away from my face as she stood there hugging me in the driveway. She said," We're going to talk about it. Come on. Let's go inside."

We walked in and my dad took her bag and carried it up to my room.

When he came back down he said," Why don't we all sit down and have dinner and then we can talk."

I sat at the table, but I wasn't really hungry. I picked at the food on my plate until everyone else had finished eating.

Annie looked at my plate and said," You need to eat Sarah, you haven't eaten anything today."

I put down my fork and folded my napkin on the table. I said," I'm not hungry, may I be excused."

Annie looked at me for a minute. I could see how bad she wanted this to work, and I know I wasn't making things very easy, but she wasn't my mom…that was the bottom line.

She finally said," Yes, take you plate into the kitchen."

I put my plate into the sink and went to go upstairs, but someone took my arm.

I tried to stop the tears that were rolling down my face.

I turned around and Aunt Susan was standing there. She pulled me into her arms and said," I know that you know that she loves you and that she's just trying to love you, so why are you fighting her so hard?"

I said," She stole my family, and somewhere deep inside I will always hate her for that."

She said," Sarah, your mom and dad's marriage died a long time before he left."

I asked," Was it because of me? Was it because mom got pregnant with me?"

She said," You weren't planned, but they loved you. Never doubt that they loved you. Now let's go to your dad's office and talk. I have things I want to tell you and your dad."

We met in the office and I sat by Aunt Susan. She said," I've been thinking about this a lot. Sweetie I know how much you want to come home. I know a lot of it is that you miss your friends and your house, and I know most of it is that you miss me. Your whole life I've always been just across town and I was your security net. Now I'm half way across the country and you feel more alone than ever before. And I know you want to come home. I want you to come home, But…"

Oh no, the but. I was afraid of what she was going to say. I wasn't going to stay here. I couldn't stay in this house. Not now.

She continued," I looked into getting a job in the ER here, and they offered me one. I looked at a little house across town with two bedrooms and it's a lot like the one's from home. So, if your dad says it's okay and we agree on some ground rules, I'm going to take the job here, and buy the house, and you can move in with me."

**That was a twist….I hope it comes out as big as it seemed in my mind….tell me what you think. Please R&R.**


	28. What is Love?

On the inside I was jumping for joy. I'm sure it was showing on my face because my dad said," I think we could work something out. Maybe she could stay with us over the weekend or every other week."

I said," I vote weekend. I don't want to be torn between two houses every other week. I want a home. I want to live with my Aunt Susan in a home, and have things like they used to be, when I still had my family."

My dad looked at me and said," Sarah, we will always be your family. I know you don't like us right now and you aren't very happy with me or your step mom, but we love you. We will always love you."

I said as I got up to walk out," You didn't always love me."

I pulled the door shut behind me and ran up to my room.

I started packing all my things. I didn't care that Aunt Susan didn't have the house yet, and she hadn't officially been hired at the hospital.

She came upstairs a few minutes later and said," Sit, we need to talk."

I sat down beside her on my bed.

She said," You can't talk to your dad like that. It's disrespectful and you know better."

I said," But it was the truth Aunt Susan! I wasn't lying!"

She said," Hey, calm down. I know it was the truth, but you still aren't allowed to talk to him like that. He's your father. No matter what he did, what happened in the past, or what you do he will always be your dad and because of that he deserves your respect. Okay?"

I started to get up, but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back and asked again," Okay?"

I sat down at the end of the bed away from her as tears started from my eyes.

She stayed where she was and asked," What are you thinking?"

I wiped my tears away and said," I'm supposed to respect him, but he walked out and left me. How can I respect him when he didn't want me, he didn't want to take care of me. He chose not to be my dad. I didn't get to choose my life. I wish I had; cause my mom would still be here, and I'd be at home and we'd be happy."

She moved over beside me and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close. She kissed the side of my head and whispered," I know sweetie. I wish it could still be like that, but we can't change the past. Sarah, your dad is here now so let's at least give him a chance. He loves you. I promise he loves you."

I shook my head no and said," I don't believe you. I can't. He can't love me. He Can't!"

She said," Hey, hey, calm down. Take a deep breath."

I pulled away from her and walked over and picked up my picture of my mom and brother from my nightstand.

She walked up behind me and gently pulled me around so I was looking at her.

She asked calmly," Why do you think he can't love you?"

I ran my fingers over the picture over and over again and said," Because she loved me."

Aunt Susan said," Yeah, she did, but how does that change that your dad loves you?"

I said," She loved me… she gave up every thing for me. We didn't have time together; we didn't get to be mother and daughter. She worked over half of her day to support me and she was still happy, because I had a chance of having a life outside of the projects. She gave me the chance to rise above the life I had been given. How can you say my dad loved me when he never did any of those things? He never wanted me."

She took the picture from my hand and sat it down on the nightstand and held both my arms and turned me to look at her.  
She said," Sarah, I know that your dad didn't take care of you when you were little, and I know you hold a lot of anger because of that, but he is here now. And he wants a chance to make things up to you."

I asked," What if I decide not to give him a second chance? What if I decide he doesn't deserve it?"

Aunt Susan said," Sarah, sweetie, you can hate him for the rest of your life, but it will never change the fact that he is your father."

I pulled away and laid down on my bed. I pulled my covers up and curled up tight.

She said," Sarah, come on, talk to me. Sarah, you can't just shut me out. You have to talk to me if this is going to work."

I turned over and looked up at her. I said as tears poured from my eyes," I miss my mom, please, just take me home. Take me away."

She laid down beside me and pulled me into her arms and said," I miss her too, and I am going to take you home. It's just going to be a few weeks before we can leave. I have to go back and pack up my apartment and have every thing shipped down here and we have to set up the new house."

I said," I'll go back with you and help you pack. Please, don't leave me here."

She said," You have to stay here and go to school. You can't miss school. I'll be back in two weeks. Shh…"

We laid there for a while until I had calmed down.

She rubbed my arm and said," Okay, go wash you face and get ready, and I'll take you school shopping. Go on."


	29. Trust Me

It was almost like my mom was back again.

She reminded so much of her… she wouldn't let me buy the shorts that didn't quite meet the dress codes, and she spent more than she said she would.

We bought all the cute notebooks and pencils and pens.

I got new backpack and lunch box.

We ate dinner at a nice restaurant and then went back to the house.

The next few days before Aunt Susan went back flew by. I didn't want to say good bye to her; I wanted to go with her.

Dad and Annie drove us to the air port.

Aunt Susan hugged me and said," I'll be back in two weeks. You listen and do what you're told and I'll be back as soon as I can. Okay? Promise you listen?"

I choked through tears," Promise."

She kissed my cheek and brushed the tears away and said," Bye… I'll call you when I get home."

I refused to leave until I had seen the plane take off and I watched it until it disappeared in the sky.

It wasn't two days after she left that I started to get in trouble with Dad and Annie.

I was late to class one morning because I was hiding in the bathroom. One of the teacher found me and gave me detention.

I got home an hour late from school.

Annie was waiting in the kitchen.

She asked," You're late. Where have you been?"

I said," I was at school."

She looked suspicious and said," School got out an hour and a half ago, where have you been Sarah?"

I said as I ran up the stairs," I was at school."

My dad knocked on my door later and came in before I had a chance to answer.

He said," you're principle called. She said you got detention because you were trying to skip class. Were you going to tell us?"

I didn't answer him.

I walked out of the room and into my bathroom and locked the door.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door.

I asked," What do you want?"

Lucy answered," Can we talk?"

I opened the door and she came into the room and shut the door back behind her.

She sat down beside me on the floor and asked," Why did you want to skip class? You liked the school, what happened?"

I looked at her and then looked away.

She asked," Are people picking on you?"

I tried to hold my tears in, but they slowly started to slip from my eyes.

She lifted my chin and asked," What happened at school?"

I said," I don't want to go back."

She said," You have to tell me why. What happened at school Sarah. I can't help you if you won't tell me what's going on."

I said," It's just some guy. He's a jerk. I wasn't trying to skip class I was avoiding him. I knew he would leave. He was waiting outside the door. I could leave the bathroom."

She said," Why didn't you just say something. Why didn't you tell Annie or Dad?"

I said," They didn't care why I was in the bathroom Lucy. They just want a reason to be mad at me. They want a reason to tell Aunt Susan that I'm not doing what she said so I'll be in trouble with her too."

Lucy said," Sarah, do you trust me?"

I said," Yes…"

She said," Then believe me when I tell you Dad and Annie are not looking for a reason to be mad at you or to get you in trouble. They are worried about you. No one knew where you were. You just didn't come home from school and then you principle called. And she said you had been having problems, but Dad wanted to respect you enough to let you come to him when you needed his help. He knew every thing Sarah. He wants you to learn to talk to him and to know that no matter what he will be here for you. Sarah… I know you don't like any of us very much, but we are your family and no matter what… from today until the day you die we will always be your family."

My dad opened the door and said," She's right sweetie. I know I made a lot of mistakes with you and I hurt you more than any person should ever be hurt, but I have been your dad since the day you were born and I will be your dad until the day I die."

I said softly," I know, but I can't trust you yet. I can't."

He said," Okay, I understand. Just promise we'll keep working on it. And know I will always be here and you never have to handle something on your own."


	30. The Journal

Sorry it's taken me so long to update! Hope you like the new chapters!

The song is Homesick by Mercy Me

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They left and I sat there in the floor trying to sort through the thoughts in my head. I walked over to my bed and pulled out a journal from between my mattress. As far as I knew, no one knew about this book besides me. I started it right after the accident. It was full of poems I found, songs, and my memories. I flipped to the first entry. As I red through the book all of the memories of that day came back to me…

_Every thing changed today, yesterday I was just a high school kid who was like anyone else, but not now… not anymore. The accident changed every thing. My dad came back. I don't know why. He never loved us, he never loved me…_

_My mom's gone now, and I don't know what I'm going to do. We had so many hopes, so many dreams, now that she's gone, my hopes and dreams went with her._

As the days and weeks passed the entry weren't so angry anymore. I wrote about my pain, how much I missed her. I turned the page to see a letter I had forgotten I had even written with the lyrics to a new song written in the middle of it.

_Mommy,_

_ It's been years since I called you that. When I was little you were my hero. You gave up every thing to give me the life I had, the life you wanted me to have, the life you thought my dad would have given me, but it's not the same. He's not the same man you told me you loved. He's not your husband, your high school sweetheart, he's not your soul mate. You always told me there was that one person out there that loved you that you weren't meant to spend your entire life loving. It's not that way though. That's what dad taught me, that's what you taught me. You loved him, more than anything in the world, you loved him, but in the end love wasn't enough. Love doesn't last. It can't hold together the pieces of our lives. Some how, for some reason the pieces always fall apart. Dad loved you and you had a family. He married you and said in sickness and in health for richer or poorer 'til death do you part…but they were just words to him. He preaches them over and over again, but they are empty. 'Til death do you part….that's forever…I guess forever doesn't last as long as it used to. _

_Without you here I'm lost. I forget our plans for my future. I don't want a future without you. I miss my brother. He always was there for me, you both were. Now I have to depend on myself. I'm alone… I have Dad and Annie and my brother and sisters and Aunt Susan, but without you…I'm alone. I heard a new song yesterday…It reminded me of you._

_You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times_

_And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you_

_But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry_

_Is how long must I wait to be with you_

_I close my eyes and I see your face_

_If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place_

_Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow_

_I've never been more homesick than now_

_Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways_

_The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know_

_But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same_

_Cause I'm still here so far away from home_

_I close my eyes and I see your face_

_If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place_

_Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow_

_I've never been more homesick than now_

_In Christ, there are no goodbye_

_And in Christ, there is no end_

_So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have_

_To see you again_

_To see you again_

_And I close my eyes and I see your face_

_If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place_

_Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow_

_Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow_

_Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow_

_I've never been more homesick than now_

_I miss you mommy. I wish you were here to hold me like you used to. I live in a big house now, in a good neighborhood, surrounded by family, but I'd give it all up to have you again. I'd go back to the way things used to be to have you here. I love you mom. I'll always love you._

_Your Daughter,_

_Sarah Camden_

I remember the day I wrote this, it was the one month anniversary. Everyone walked around like it was a normal day, like nothing was wrong, but something was wrong… she wasn't here. She was supposed to be here.

Lucy knocked and walked in. I threw the journal under my bed and hoped she hadn't seen it. She sat down beside me on the floor. She said," It's ok. I still keep a journal too. You're secrets safe with me."

I said," It's not a journal…It's a memory book."

She asked," A memory book?"

I said," Where I write the things I don't want to forget, where I write the things I don't want to share. They're my memories. She was MY mother."

Lucy said," I miss her too. She was my mom too. I still miss her everyday, and I still talk to her like she's still here. I always have."

I said quietly," She's not here anymore Lucy…if she was…I wouldn't be here. If she was still here nothing would have changed. I would be with mom and Chris, and you wouldn't care that we existed. I would have my family."

She said," Even though we weren't around, we cared about you. Even though you never saw us, we loved you. I am your sister I will always be your sister."

I asked," Like dad would always be mom's husband?"

Lucy didn't say anything. She didn't know how to answer.

I said after a minute of awkward silence," Things never end up like they should."


	31. Letting You Go

I walked down stairs and out into the back yard. I picked up the basketball and started shooting hoops. Mary and Lucy walked up and stood on the side of the court. Lucy said," Not every thing turns out the way it's supposed to. It's just how life is."

I said," Tell me I shouldn't even be able to believe that my parents should love each other."

I turned around faced her holding the basketball. I continued," if I can't trust that my parents will always love each other, and me, how can I trust anything else in life. He said until death! He said it!"

I turned around and tears fell from my eyes and shot the basketball. Mary caught it under the basket. She pulled me around to look at her.

She said," Sarah, sometimes things change. Mom and dad didn't love each other anymore."

I yelled as I pulled away and fell to the floor," She still loved him. She never stopped loving him. He's the one that left. Death is forever. They were supposed to be together for life."

Mary knelled down beside me and pulled me into her arms. I laid in her arms and sobbed," It's all my fault. He loved her until I was born. It's my fault."

I closed my eyes and saw myself writing in my journal

_It's my fault you're not here anymore. You gave me every thing, but I took it all away. Dad never wanted anymore kids. I wasn't planned, he didn't want me. Maybe he would still be in love with you if it wasn't for me. Maybe you'd still be a family._

Mary held me close. She whispered," It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. Sarah you had nothing to do with dad leaving mom. Nothing! Dad left because he had an affair. He left by choice, you didn't make him leave. He still loves you though. He will always love you. That's why he's letting you live with Aunt Susan. Think about how much it hurts him to let you go a second time. He has another chance to prove to you that he loves you. A chance to show you every thing you think about him is wrong, but instead…he's going to just let you be happy. He's going to give you up so that you can have the life you want and be happy the way you can't be here with us. We love you Sarah…that's why we're letting you go."


	32. He's A Jerk

**I'm trying to figure out how to tie up this story. If you have any idea please R&R!

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**

I wrapped my arms around her and we sat there in the middle of the back yard holding each other.

I loved my sisters.

I had always loved my sisters, but I just wanted things to be like they used to be when my mom was still here.

They could never be like that with my dad and Annie.

After a while I had calmed down, and Mary helped me up.

She said," I love you Sarah. I've always loved you."

I answered back more truthfully than I had ever said it before," I love you too Mary. And I've always loved you, I always will… you're my sister."

I heard a voice from behind us that I had missed so much.

It said," Hey kiddo!"

I turned around and ran into her arms.

She picked me up and spun me around.

I held onto her tight.

I said," two weeks was too long Aunt Susan."

She said," Tell me about it. Come on, we need to go talk. Go up to your room. I'll be there in a minute."

I started to argue," Aunt Susan I…"

She said," No arguments. Go upstairs. I'll be there in a minute."

I went up to my room. I wanted to leave now. I didn't want to have to wait until she got the house set up.

I sat there thinking until she knocked and came in the door.

She sat down on the bed beside me.

We sat there in silence for a while.

She tucked her hands between her knees and leaned down to look at me.

She asked after a while of my staring down at the floor," Why won't you look at me?"

I answered," I know you're disappointed."

She said," I'm not disappointed. I'm worried. You have never gotten in trouble in school and you've never had problems with other people in your school."

I said trying not to cry," This isn't my school."

She gently turned my head to look at her and said," Honey, I know you're homesick, I know. I'm here now and we're going to make things better. We can make this work. Talk to me. What's been going on at school?"

I turned away and said," He's a jerk. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I wasn't going to skip class, I just wanted to be left alone. I promise I wasn't trying to skip."

She hugged me as I fought not to cry.

She held me close and pulled my hair back away from my face and kissed my forehead.  
She said," I believe you, but I need you to tell me what was happening. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong. Sweetie, talk to me."

I shook my head no.

She said," You have to. Tell me what's going on."

I finally said," Not here, let's go to Pete's."

She said," Okay, get your jacket."

We went to Pete's and sat down and ate pizza while we talked.

I said," Dad never would have believed me. He never believes me."

She said," You didn't give him a chance sweetie. You wouldn't tell him what was going on. Sarah, you have to talk to him. I will always be here for you, always. Your dad… Sarah he's your dad and he will always be here for you too."

I asked," Like he was before?"

She lifted my chin so I was looking her in the eyes and said," Things are different now. I promise."

I didn't say anything. I just sat staring down at my pizza.

She asked," Is this all really about school or is it more about you not being able to trust him?"

I said," He promised to take care of me…but he didn't. Why would he keep promises now? What changed Aunt Susan?"

She said," Look at me. Look into my eyes and listen to me. Every thing has changed Sarah. Every thing. Your mom isn't here anymore. I know you know what that means. Nothing is the same anymore. I know you don't like it, I know you want to go home, and I know you wish things would be like they used to be. But they can't. This is what we have now. We're going to make it work, and we're all going to be okay. Okay?"

I shook my head yes as a tear I had been trying to keep in slipped down my face.

She got up and said," Come on, let's get you home."

She drove us home. I walked past my dad and up to my room. I laid down on my bed and cried.

A few minutes later there was a soft knock on the door.

I asked," Who is it?"

I heard Annie answer," It's me, can I come in?"

I answered," it's your house."

She came in and sat down beside me.

She said," No, it's your house…I'm sorry about being mad at you without giving you the chance to explain. I was worried about you. You've never been that late getting home from school before…I should have given you the chance to explain. I'm sorry."

I said," It's okay."

She rubbed my back as I still laid there hiding my tear streaked face.

She said," Sarah, no it's not. I should have given you a chance. You deserve that."

I asked," Can I just be alone please?"

She said," Yeah, I'm here if you want to talk though."

She left and I pulled my pillow in and hugged it tight.

I heard the door open but there was no knock. I felt someone lay down behind me and wrap their arms around me.

I knew who it was.

It felt nice to be held…my mom used to do that when I was upset. We never talked. She just held me.

She pulled me close and sat there rubbing the side of my face until I had fallen asleep.

I didn't dream nightmares like I did most nights.

I got up and went to school.

The guy was standing at my locker.

I walked right past him and into the office. I called the house.

Mary answered,"Hello?"

I said," Mary…he's at my locker."

She said," He's a jerk Sarah. You can't let him run your life. Get your books and go to your class."

I gave up. They didn't get it.

I walked out of school and walked home.

When I walked in Aunt Susan and Dad were sitting, eating and talking.

I walked in and went to run upstairs.

Aunt Susan said," Freeze! Come here." I turned around and walked over to her.

She asked," Why aren't you in school?"

I said," He was at my locker. I tried to call, but Mary wouldn't listen."

She said," Sit down and tell us exactly what's going on."

I said," He's just a creep who wants to go out with me, but I said no…I keep saying no."

Dad asked," Why didn't you tell me? We could have done something. We can talk to your principal."

I said," If you hadn't of moved me here I wouldn't be having this problem anyway."

I got up and ran upstairs.

I passed Mary on the way up.

She grabbed my arm and asked," What's wrong? What are you doing home?"

I pulled away and said," Just leave me alone!" I ran up to my room and shut the door.

There was a knock. I knew it wasn't Aunt Susan.

Mary opened the door. She laid down beside me on the bed.

She said," You're my little sister. I hate to see you hurting. Please, let me help you. What's going on?"

I rolled over and hugged her. She held me close and I laid in her arms crying.

She said," I miss her too. I really do."

I cried," I want to go home. I don't want to go back to that school."

Mary asked," What about another school? What if we helped you find another school, one you liked more?"

I shook my head yes.

She said," Okay, we can do that. It's going to be okay Sarah. I promise we're going to be okay."


	33. Who I Am

**This Chapter is mostly Sarah's internal thoughts. Sorry if it seems to jump all over the place….just how I'm making her brain work :)

* * *

**

Maybe at a new school things would be different.

A school where no one knew where I came from, who my family was, or what had happened to me.

I wanted that… I wanted to be happy again.

That night we all had dinner together: Dad, Annie, Mary, Matt, Sarah, Lucy, Kevin, Danielle, Aunt Julie, Hank, and Aunt Susan.

Looking at us from the outside we were a happy family, sitting down to a family dinner, and all was right in the world.

The smiles on the faces hid what was inside…the doubts, the fears, the pain…the loneliness.

I sat there looking around the table.

Everyone was talking but I just heard muffled roars of the voices blending together in my head.

Everyone looked so happy.

I tried to be happy… I did… but they were missing, the table wasn't full.

The smile on my face was just a mask.

I was pretending…trying to make real what my soul wanted so bad…to be a family, to be whole again.

I caught Mary looking at me. I knew she could see what I was thinking. No matter how hard I tried I could never hide from her. She saw through the mask…she saw me.

I tried so hard to hide myself from her, thinking if I kept all the pain to myself it would spare her and everyone else the heartache I felt inside.

I tried to be happy…at least for tonight I just wanted to be happy.

A kid with a normal family gathered around the dinner table, I wanted to forget……

What am I saying…forget…I don't want to forget them.

I never want to forget them.

They are my past, my present…they were supposed to be my future.

They were my family…my mom and my brother.

I'm surrounded by strangers…people who know me, but I don't know them.

I just want to get away from it all.

I want to be alone.

I ask to be excused from the table.

I run upstairs to my room and shut the door.

I pick up a picture from my nightstand and talk to it like they were real, like they were standing right in front of me.

"I never want to forget you. I didn't mean it. You're every thing. Without you… I don't know who I am. You showed me how to be a caring person, who to trust, and how to love. But you aren't here now… when I need you the most you aren't here anymore. I've tried every thing to bewho I think you would want me to be, but it's so hard. Sometimes I close my eyes and I can't see your faces anymore. My memories are all muddled together. I'm so busy trying to figure out who I am supposed to be I'm forgetting who I am, who I was. You always knew what to say to make it stop hurting. You always knew what to do to make it right. What am I supposed to do now? Who am I supposed to trust?"

I looked up as a voice answered from the door," You're supposed to trust me."

Mary stood in the doorway.

She came over and sat down beside me on the floor.

She said," I know I wasn't there for you… I know. I love you Sarah. Trust that. Trust that no matter what from now on we are going to be here for you. We are you family and we will always be your family."

I looked over at her and said," I don't want to forget where I came from Mary. I just want everyone else too. I don't want to be treated different. I just want to be a kid whose growing up. Can't I just be a normal kid?"

She said after a minute of silence," You can keep getting up every morning, washing away the tear streaks, and putting on the mask to cover up how you really feel, or you can leave it off and be who you are."

I said," I don't know who I am…"

She answered," Yes you do. You do."

She looked at me waiting for me to say what she knew I wanted to say so bad but had never said out loud.

I took a deep breath and said," I'm scared I'm going to end up hurting everyone I love and end up spending the rest of my life alone. I'm afraid you're going to leave again. I want to turn back time and never have let you walk out the door without fighting harder to make you stay. I want a family. I want my family. I want to be whole again…and happy."


	34. No One Else Knows

Please R&R if you have any ideas, cause I've got writers block.

The poem is an unknown author. I got it from song is "No One Else Knows" by Building 429

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We sat there is silence for a while before I said," I want to go to bed. I'll see you in the morning. I love you Mary."

She said," I love you too. Good night."

She left and I curled up in bed and slowly drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning and there was a card sitting beside my bed.

I sat up and opened the card.

It was Mary's handwriting, I knew.

I opened it up and read the inside,"

For the rest of my life I will always be your big sister,

And until the day we day, our mom will always be our mom.

Even when you think you're all alone,

Just remember that you aren't,

Because I'm always here.

This is a poem I found and a cd of a song I think will help you understand what I mean.

'You never said "I'm leaving,"

You never said "Goodbye,"

You were gone before I knew it,

and only God knew why.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I cried,

if love alone could save you,

you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

in death I love you still,

in my heart you hold a place,

that no one could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

but you didn't go alone,

for a part of me went with you,

the day God took you home.'

Love you to Heaven and Back,

Mary"

I traced my fingers over her name as tears slowly fell from my eyes.

I took the cd and put it into my cd player. I slipped on the head phones and hit play.

I sat there in the silence of my room until my ears were filled with music. I sat there as tears rolled down my face and the lyrics sparked memories that flooded my mind.

My world is closing in  
On the inside  
But I'm not showing it

_I sit in the dark of my brother's room…It's the day of the accident. The steady beeping of the machines bring me back to reality. It's not a dream, it's real. They're gone, he's gone. His body is laying there on the bed across the room, but he's not it in. His spirit is already gone._

When all I am is crying out  
I hold it in and fake a smile  
Still I'm broken  
I'm broken

_I refuse to let them in. They left me. I sit in the attic bedroom that is now my home and close me eyes. I pray to be at home…to be hearing gun shots and sirens. I want to be surrounded by the things I remember. The violence is a thing of the past is what my dad told me. I was safe here…I was safe there. That was my home, THEY were my family. The violence was something I was used to. It wasn't violent in my home. In my home I was safe. No one could hurt me there. Here I wasn't so sure. The man downstairs laying in bed with his wife was my dad. The woman beside him was not my mother. They hadn't wanted me. They had left me behind by choice. My brother had stayed with me by choice. I just wanted to close my eyes and wake up from my nightmare._

Only one can understand  
And only one can hold the hand  
Of the broken  
Of the broken

_That time I ran away home…only to find out that it wasn't mine anymore. My heart was so broken. While Aunt Susan had slept in her room I had ran the three miles from her house to cemetery. I sat at the grave of my mom and cried. She was supposed to save me from my nightmares. She had spent her whole life trying to make it right. Trying to fix what my father had done to me, but in the end it didn't matter. I still ended up alone._

When no one else knows how I feel  
Your love for me is proven real

_I closed my eyes and remember packing the apartment and finding that old record. It had meant every thing to me. It was our special song. Mom and Aunt Susan sang it to me all the time. I told her to sell it when money got tight, but she didn't. she kept it for me. And when I needed it the most there it was. In my mom's closet, her secret treasure just for me._

When no one else cares where I've been  
You run to me with outstretched hands  
And You hold me in your arms  
Again

_Some times I would dream about the old times. When I would come home and she'd be waiting. She'd taken off work to be waiting on me. With some special surprise planned to fill our evening. We would cook, dance, just sit together and talk. My mom was my best frined. I tried to say I hadn't know here well. That we hadn't been close. I thought if I pretended like she had never been there it wouldn't hurt o bad, but it still hurt. I wanted to be wrapped in her arms again. It's all I wanted._

I need no explanation of why me  
I just need confirmation  
Only You could understand the  
emptiness inside my head  
I am falling  
I am falling  
I'm falling down upon my knees  
To find the one who gives me peace  
I am flying  
Lord I am flying

_I would give up the entire world to see her again. When I was little she used to sneak into my bed and I would wake up in her arms. I knew she was lonely, but I was happy to be loved, to be wanted. I loved waking up in her arms. If only I could wake up in her arms…_

When no one else knows how I feel  
Your love for me is proven real  
When no one else cares where I've been  
You run to me with outstretched hands  
And You hold me in Your arms  
Again

I have come to you in search of faith  
Cause I can't see beyond this place  
Oh You are God and I am man  
So I'll leave it in Your hands

_All my life faith had been so big to me. I wanted so much to hate it now. I wanted to hate every thing she had taught me because of him. I didn't want his faith or his traditions. I didn't want his family or his wife. I really didn't want his love…I just wanted his acceptance…his apology._

If only Mary knew what that song meant. What it did to my mind.

She came in sat down beside me.

I hugged as tears poured from my eyes and the song started again in my headphones. I held onto her tight as sobs slowly escaped my mouth.

She turned and pulled me tighter into her arms.

She held my head against her shoulder as my dad and Aunt Susan came to the door to see what was wrong.

She gently rubbed circles on my back and I held her and cried.

Aunt Susan sat down beside us and wrapped her arms around us both.

After a little while I turned into Aunt Susan's arms and said," I want to go home now Aunt Susan. I want to go home."


	35. I Loved You First

Hope everyone enjoyed this story. This is the final Chapter. Hope it does the rest of the story justice. Sorry it took so long for me to update.

**The song is I Love Her First by Heartland**

* * *

The next day I started moving my stuff out and into my room in the new house.

I loved my family, but I was happy to be moving in with Aunt Susan.

Mary walked into my room and said." I'm going to miss having you around I love you Sarah."

I said," I'll still be around, but I'll be happier."

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As the weeks went on I returned to my old self.

I even went out on my first date.

Mary came over to help me get ready.

She said," Dad really wants to meet him, but he said he'd wait until you were ready."

By our third date I was ready to take him over to meet dad and my mothers and sisters.

He picked me up and we drove over to the house.

I opened the door and found my dad walking out of his office.

I hugged him and said," Hey dad, this is my boyfriend Andrew. Andrew this is my dad Eric."

We ended up staying to eat dinner with them then we went out to the movies and got ice cream.

I knew from the first date that I wanted to marry him.

When I get home I had an email from my dad. I clicked and opened it up.

"My Baby Girl,

So much has changed over the last few months since you moved in with your aunt, I see in you the little girl I once knew, the one who had so much passion and spunk for life. I've seen you open up and allow yourself to be loved by us again and even though you don't live with us we have become a family. Sarah, you will always be my baby girl. I see you growing up to be a beautiful woman. The women your mom wanted you so much to be, the women she would be proud of. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and how proud of you I am. And whatever you do always know you have my blessing and my support. I found a song that tells every thing I feel about you. I love you Sarah. I'll always love you.

Dad"

I clicked on the attachment and the media player pulled up. Aunt Susan walked in when the music started.

_Look at the two of you dancing that way_

_Lost in the moment and each others face_

_So much in love you're alone in this place_

_Like there's no body else in the world_

_I was enough for her not long ago_

_I was her number one she told me so_

_And she still means the world to me just so you know_

_So be careful when you hold my girl_

_Time changes every thing,_

_life must go on_

_I'm not going to stand in your way_

_I loved her first_

_I held her first_

_And a place in my heart will always be hers_

_From the first breath she breathed_

_When she first smiled at me_

_I knew the love of a father runs deep_

_And I prayed that she'd find you some day_

_But it's still hard to give her away_

_I loved her first_

_How could that beautiful women with you_

_Be the same freckled face kid that I knew_

_The one that I read all those fairy tales to,_

_Tucked into bed all those night_

_I knew the first time I saw you with her_

_It was only a matter of time_

_I loved her first_

_I held her first_

_And a place in my heart will always be hers_

_From the first breath she breathed_

_When she first smiled at me_

_I knew the love of a father runs deep_

_And I prayed that she'd find you some day_

_But it's still hard to give her away_

_I loved her first_

_From the first breathe she breathed_

_When she first smiled at me_

_I knew the love of a father runs deep,_

_Someday you might know it too_

_When a miracle smiles up at you_

_I loved her first._

I sat there staring at the screen in tears.

I asked," Aunt Susan, can I use the phone to call my dad please?"

She said," of course you can, cut don't stay up to late. Okay?"

I shook my head and picked up the phone.

I called the house and Annie answered.

I said," Hey Annie is my Dad there? I need to talk to him."

She said," yeah hang on. I'll get him. How was your date tonight?"

I answered," It was great. Thank you so much for dinner."

She said," you're very welcome. I'm glad you had fun. I think Andrew is perfect for you. Here is your dad."

My dad took the phone and said," Hey sweetie, what are you doing on the phone so late." I said as tears started down my face," I got your letter."

He said," It's the truth. I loved you first Sarah."

I said," I know. It took a long time for me to let you love me again and I held against you every thing that you had ever done wrong, but you're not half bad."

He said," Well thanks…I guess. I'll see you tomorrow for the weekend right?"

I said," I've never missed a day. I love you dad."

He said," I love you too. Wait…Annie wants to talk to you."

Annie took the phone and said," I hope all your dreams come true. I love you Sarah."

It had taken a lot of help and a lot of time for me to accept the words she had just said to me.

This woman I had once hated now was someone I didn't want to live without.

I said before hanging up the phone," I love you too Annie. Good night."


End file.
